LOVE
PREM
The Gnani Purush Dadashri
Defines All Aspects Of Love With Unprecedented Clarity
Questioner: What is love (prem) in reality?
I want to understand it in detail.
Dadashri: When people talk about love
in this world, they say it without understanding what it is. Should there not
be a definition for love? What is the
definition for love?
Questioner: Some call it attachment; some
call it affection. There are many kinds
of love.
Dadashri: No. There has to be a
definition of real love.
Questioner: Can we call it real love
when there is no expectation in it?
Dadashri: Love without expectation
does not exist in worldly life Real love can never be found in this worldly
life. Real love is divine. Real love begins the moment one begins to understand
the Self.
Questioner: What is this worldly love
thing?
Dadashri: The word love belongs to the
state beyond the world. It has slipped into worldly interactions and the daily
lives. In reality people do not understand love at all.
Love Does Not See Faults
Dadashri: Do you have love within you?
Do you have love for your children?
Questioner: Yes, I do.
Dadashri: So do you ever hit them or
scold them?
Questioner: Surely sometimes we have to
scold them.
Dadashri: Love does not see faults. You see faults in your children, so it is not
love. Do you not think so? I have love
towards everyone. So far I have not seen a single fault in anyone. So now tell me who do you have love for? You
tell me that you have a lot of love within you, so where is this love?
Real Love Has No Motive
Questioner: So only the love for God can
be called love?
Dadashri: No. What you have for God is
not love. Love is a different thing. There
should be no motive behind love. If you
have love for God, then why do you not have love for others? You have love for
others because you have a need for them.
You have love for your mother, because you need her. Love should be without any motive. I have
love towards you as well as all these people, but I do not have any motive
behind it.
The world is
very selfish. As long as there is the
ego of ‘I am’, there is selfishness and wherever there is selfishness, there
can never be love and wherever there is love, selfishness cannot exist there.
Pure love, real love exists where there is no
selfishness; when there are no feelings of ‘yours-mine’. Wherever there is a
feeling of’ ‘yours-mine’, there is definitely selfishness as well as ignorance
of the Self. It is because of this ignorance that people have feelings of ‘this
is mine and this is yours’. When one
acquires Gnan (knowledge of the Self), one ceases to have feelings of ‘mine and
yours’. However, this is difficult for
one to understand.
What people call
love in this world, is the language of illusion and deception. The warmth of the real love is very
different. Love is something very divine.
Kabir had
said:
‘ The world has
died studying scriptures,
not a single learned person has arisen:
The One who understands the two and a half
lettered word
Of prem-love, has learnt something indeed.’
Saint Kabir has said that
it enough for one to just understand the word love; one is considered a learned
man if he understands this word. People
have died studying volumes and volumes of books in an attempt to understand
this word and as yet no one has understood it.
It is madness to look for its meaning in books.
People would
never separate from one another if they had real love. The love they have is
selfish and with expectations and motive.
How can one call it love?
Questioner: Is it infatuation?
Dadashri: It is infatuation. Love is
union with the non-attached, the Self. Only the Self is love. Only the
knowledge of the self gives rise to love.
Dadashri: What is the definition of
love?
Questioner: I do not know, Dada. Please
explain it to me.
Dadashri: I too was looking for the
definition of love when I was young! I
wondered about the nature of love.
People keep talking about love all the time. What could it be? So then I
read all kinds of books and scriptures but did not find the definition of love
anywhere. I was astonished that no
scripture have defined love. It wasn’t
until I read a book of Kabir that I was satisfied. He is the one who defined love. His definition helped me. It says:
‘That which increases one
moment and decreases the next,
is not love:
That which resides in the
heart and remains the same, is real love.’
I found this to be a
beautiful definition. ‘Bravo! Kabir
Sahib, I must say!’ This is the realst
love of all. That which never increases
or decreases, is love.
Questioner: So what is called real love?
Dadashri: Real love never increases or decreases. The Gnani’s love is such a
love; it does not increase or decrease. I have that kind of love for the whole
world. That love is the Absolute Self.
Questioner: Still there must be love
somewhere in this world?
Dadashri: There is no love
anywhere. There is no such thing as
love in this world. It is all
infatuations and attractions. You will realize this right away when someone you
love says something negative about you.
If a man has
come home after a long time abroad one enjoys being with him and spend time
with him. But after a few days he tell you, ‘ you are an idiot and without
sense’, that would be the end of his love.
Whereas, if you were to say the same things to a Gnani Purush, he will
remain unaffected. His love for you would remain the same.
Real love is
that which does not have any abhorrence behind it. How can it be called love
when there is abhorrence associated with it? Love should be unwavering, unchanging.
Absolute Self Is Love
Questioner: So real love does not
increase or decrease.
Dadashri: Real love does not increase
or decrease. Love between two people
will decrease if one becomes angry with the other and they both start to
quarrel. Their love will increase once
again, when one gives flowers to the other.
Questioner: In the worldly affairs it is
bound to increase and decrease. That is just the way it is.
Dadashri: People’s love increases and decreases throughout the day! It fluctuates
with their children, their relatives and even for themselves. When they look at
themselves in the mirror, they think they look good one moment and the next
time they look, they are displeased. All this happens because one does not
realize one’s own responsibility. How
tremendous that responsibility is!
Questioner: That is why people are told,
‘ love one another, love one another.’
Dadashri: But it is not even love to begin with.
These talks are from the worldly perspective. Who can call this love?
The love that increases and decreases is nothing but infatuation and
attraction. The world has never seen real love. My love is real love, which is why it affects people. People
benefit from it; otherwise it would be of no use to anyone! Whenever there is a presence of the Lord or
a Gnani Purush in this world, people witness real love. That love will not
increase or decrease. It is love
without attachment. It is the love of the Gnani. The Gnani’s love is parmatma (absolute Self). Real love is
parmatma, nothing else is parmatma.
Questioner: So can you explain the
different kinds of love?
Dadashri: There are only two kinds of love: That increases and decreases, is
called attraction and infatuation and the other, which remains constant is love
without attachment, attraction or infatuation. This type of love is the love
that the Gnani has.
The Gnani’s love is pure
love. You will not see that kind of
love anywhere in this world. The love
you see in the world is selfish love. The love between a husband and wife,
parents and children and in other relationships is all selfish love. One
realizes this when that love fractures, breaks and ends. As long as there is
sweetness in it, everything is fine, but one will realize what kind of love it
is when it becomes bitter.
For his entire
life, a son lives with complete reverence for his father, but if in anger he
tells his father, ‘you do not have any sense’, followed by a major argument
their relationship is ruined for the rest of their lives. The father will disown the son. Now if it were real love, the relationship
would remain unaffected. Selfish love is infatuation and attraction all
components of attachment. It is a love like that between a businessman and his
customer, transactions of give and take. People are drawn to real love. They
are attracted to all the words that flow from real love. There is no action and
reaction in real love. The flow of love is constant. Their love remains constant; there is no increase or decrease, no
give and take. Infatuation and attraction is by nature conditional and involves
give and take.
My love is
constant for everyone at all times. It
remains unaffected whether someone insults me or gives me a lot of attention
and respect. What people say to me or
do for me has no bearing on my love. That is called love. My love for you today will be the same even
when we meet after twenty years.
Questioner: In this world a mother’s
love is considered very high.
Dadashri: Then what comes after that?
Questioner: There is no other. All others types of love have motives and
selfishness.
Dadashri: Is that so? Even the love between brothers and sisters is selfish. You
may not have tried to experiment with them?
Questioner: I have experienced them all.
Dadashri: When people shed tears, it is not because their love is real. They cry
out of selfish motives. The selfishness gives rise to attachment and
attraction. Their love arises out of motives and self-interest. In your home
you should aim for unchanging love for everyone. All the same you need to say,
‘ I am lost without you, I miss you etc.’. You have to say it to maintain your
relationships. But maintain your love such that it does not increase or
decrease.
If people ask
me, is the love of a woman real love? I
would explain to them that the love that increases or decreases is not real
love. It is not called love when it increases the day she is given a diamond
and decreases when she does not get what she wants.
Questioner: What is real love like when
it does not fluctuate?
Dadashri: It does not increase or
decrease. It remains the same, whenever
you look at it. Elsewhere in the world
as long as you do favors for people, their love will stay with you and it will
fall apart when you stop. How can you call that love?
So what is the
definition of real love? Real love is
that which remains the same whether one receives flowers or stones of insults.
This is the definition of love.
Everything else is false attachment and attraction. This is the love of
the Lord. When that kind of love arises, there is no need for anything
else. It is only this love that is of
any value.
Questioner: Can a man live without love?
Dadashri: One continues to live when
the one whom he has loved divorces him, does he not?
Questioner: One can live if it is real love. If it is false love, love of
infatuation and attraction, then he will not be able to live.
Dadashri: You said it right. Forget about
the kind of love, which leads to divorces.
How can you call it love? Our love should be such that it never goes
away, no matter what happens. One can
live with such real love.
Questioner: If it is love of infatuation
and attraction, then one cannot live.
Dadashri: The false love of attachment
and attraction due to illusion is useless. Do not become trapped by it. Love
has to be right, real. It is true that man cannot live without love, but that
love has to be real.
So do you
understand the definition of love? Look
for that kind of love. Do not look for
love that ends in a divorce in future.
Where is the stability in such love?
Questioner: In worldly love which is due to attachment there is expectation of
some kind of reward for the sacrifice one makes, whereas in real love there are
no expectations of any reward. If one surrenders with unconditional love, does
one become divine?
Dadashri: If any man in this world
begins on the path of real love, he would become God. Real love is unadulterated and pure. Real love does not have motives of sex, greed or pride. Such
unadulterated love turns man into God.
The methods are all easy, but to become that is difficult.
Questioner: Likewise if one surrenders to any worldly
love and passion what ever it
may be, with total devotion and dedication, will it result in attaining the
divine state? Will he attain his goal of the absolute in this manner?
Dadashri: If he surrenders to illusion
and worldly objects, he will get more of the same, more world and more
illusions. That is what has happened to all in the world.
Questioner: These days, boys and girls
fall in love because of infatuation and attraction. They fail because of this
illusionary love?
Dadashri: Yes, it is only because of illusion
and infatuation. One sees a beautiful face, and one falls in love. But this is not love. Now if there were a boil on that face, one
would not even go near her. If the boil were to
remain on her face for twelve months or so, he would not want to see her face
and his illusion of love disappears altogether. Real love on the other hand,
would not disappear even if there were numerous boils. So look for this kind of love, otherwise do
not get married at all or else you will be trapped.
A man appreciates
his wife when she talks sweetly to him but when she pouts he says he does not
like to look at her face. You foolish man, ‘It is precisely because you were
attracted to the sweet face that now you are repulsed by the bitter look on her
face! This is the same face that you had loved before!’
Questioner: But that is infatuation and
attraction, is it not?
Dadashri: All of it is infatuation and
attraction. What was ‘liked is now
repulsive, what was loved is now not loved.’ Thus they go on and on. This is
how they quarrel. Of what use is this
kind of love?
If a person has
a lot of attachment due to illusion, that attachment will go away if that
person experiences a lot of suffering.
It was only false attachment, illusion to begin with, and this is the
cause of suffering.
Questioner: What is the difference
between love of illusion and real love?
Dadashri: The moth hovers around the
flame and sacrifices its life in it.
That is called love of illusion, whereas real love will last. There is no illusion in real love.
Life of false
attachment is useless. It is equivalent to being like a blind man. It is like a blind man who wanders around
like the moth and gets consumed in the process. Love on the other hand is constant and it gives lifelong
happiness. It does not seek instant gratification.
Therefore, all
these are false attachments of illusionary love. Everything is an illusion.
Love of illusion is simply open strokes of deceit.
Questioner: But how can an ordinary
individual know the difference between real love and false love? How does the other person know whether one’s
love is real or false?
Dadashri: You will find out when you
test it. It is best to test it before
committing yourself. Just as we tap a
rupee coin to test its authenticity, find an excuse to scold the other person
and see the reaction. Nowadays there is
rampant dangerous selfishness. People
will feign love for selfish motives.
You should test it to see whether it is real love or not.
Questioner: Even when you scold…what is that real love like?
Dadashri: The one with such love will remain calm when
scolded and take the utmost care not to hurt the offender. In the presence of
such love even the wicked person would melt and surrender.
Questioner: What kind of love is it when
two lovers commit suicide because there is no acceptance from the respective
families?
Dadashri: Aimless, useless love! How can you call that love? They become emotional and lie across the
railroad tracks to commit suicide! Then
they will say to each other, ‘In our next life we will be together alone.’ No one should have such expectations. It is
each individual’s karma that determines where he or she will go. They will
never be together.
Questioner: Would they not be together
even though that was their wish?
Dadashri: Nothing happens by wishing.
The next life is the result of karma of this life. These are all emotional reactions.
Did you have an
affair of infatuation when you were young?
It is when all the evidences and circumstances come together, that one
gets involved in this kind of a problem.
Questioner: What is an affair of
infatuation?
Dadashri: Yes, I will tell you. A man
had seen his son who was at college, going around with a girl. He asked his son
why he was going around in a state of infatuation. People nowadays do not call
it so but in the old days they used to call it a lafroo, a temporary state of
infatuation and attraction. The father
referred to it as lafroo because he knew that his son was being foolish in
thinking that he was in love and was going to suffer tremendously from that
relationship. This lafroo was clinging to him and it would hurt him. It is not
easy to sustain love. Everyone knows
how to have love affairs, but they do not how to sustain love.
The son became
very upset when he heard his father refer to his girlfriend as a lafroo. He told his father that he was ruining his
reputation by saying such things and asked him not to speak in this manner in
public. The father agreed. The son
dated this girl for two years and then one day he saw her with another boy at
the movies. It was then that he
realized that his father was right all along. His relationship with the girl
was a lafroo.
When all the
evidences and circumstances come together, one will become stuck with a lafroo
and it will be very difficult to get rid of.
When she starts seeing someone else, he will not be able to sleep. Does this not happen? From the moment the
son realized what his father had said and recognized that it was truly a
lafroo, a false love, it began to release him from its grip. As long as he saw her as his girlfriend and
not a lafroo, he was bound to her.
Questioner: So if one wants to sum up
the differences between false love and real love, how can one do that?
Dadashri: Why are you talking about
love when there is no love? There is no
love at all. This is all attachment, attraction and illusion. People become blind
with illusion and lose sense of reasoning.
They have no awareness in this matter.
No matter how many terms or
conditions of an agreement or promises are broken by the other, the one with
real love continues to remain sincere. Such sincerity remains in acts and also
in the eyes of the one with real love.
That is when you will know that love is. So look for this kind of love.
What you see in the world is not real love, but a market place of false
love, ordinary love. It is infatuation and attraction and it will bring
destruction. Still one does not have a choice, but to go through its trapping.
Do not despair; I am here to show you real love. One has no choice but fall
into infatuation and attraction.
Attaining The Love Of The Lord
Questioner: So what must one do to
acquire the eternal, pure, powerful love of the Lord, real love?
Dadashri: Do you want to acquire God’s
love?
Questioner: Yes, I do. Is that not the
ultimate goal of every man? My question
here is how can one acquire God’s love?
Dadashri: Everyone here wants to love,
and they would do so if they found sweetness in it!! Show me where people have
found such sweetness in God!
Questioner: Even during his final
breath, one is not able to call out to God.
Dadashri: How can one take God’s
name? One can only take the name of
that which one has a desire for. One is preoccupied with his desires. His
desire is not for God and that is why he is not preoccupied with God. One only
remembers God when one is afraid.
Questioner: The desire for God is there,
but certain karmic veils of darkness prevent him from taking God’s name.
Dadashri: But how can one take God’s
name without having the love for God?
Should not one have love for God?
And what is the benefit in having intense love for God? One would love to eat a mango if it was
sweet but what if it was bitter or sour? Where have you found such sweetness in
God, that you feel love for Him?
God is in every
living being, as the Self, the force behind all life, the Soul (Chetan). The
world is not aware of the Self, and what it believes to be the Self, is really
non-Self. They believe the living body
to be the Self, but it is in fact the non-Self. They have absolutely no
awareness of the Self. The pure Self is
the life force and is the pure soul (shuddhatma), and that is God. It is only when we gain some benefit from
this God, that we will have love for this God.
And as we feel love for Him, we will remember Him and we will utter His
name. But first we have to find such a
God, only then will we remember
Him. Do you remember ‘Dada’ (The Lord
manifest within the Gnani Purush)?
Questioner: Yes.
Dadashri: You think of him because He
loves you. He loves you, which is why He remains constantly in your mind. How
did this love happen? Because ‘Dada’ has given you something, a bliss that has
that has blossomed this love. Once this love starts to grow, you will never
forget it! You will not have to make an
effort to remember Him.
So when do we think
of God? It is when He graces us, and
gives us eternal bliss, gives us something for which we are eternally grateful.
One gentleman told me that he does not like being away from his wife at all. I asked him what would happen to him if his
wife were no longer around. He said he
would die because she made him happy. What if she were to abuse him instead of
making him happy? He would still think
of her. Therefore it is because of both the raag (attachment) and dwesh (abhorrence) that people are remembered.
One has to
understand these things! Right now do
you wonder about love in this world?
Questioner: Nowadays, we think that the
affection we have for our children is love.
Dadashri: Is that so? Even a sparrow
has love for her young ones. When she returns to her nest with food, the little
hatchlings get excited. The sparrow
will place one seed at a time in the mouth of each of her young ones. I am amazed as to how she manages to store
the seeds in her beak and yet dispense only one seed at a time in the mouths of
her hatchlings.
Questioner: But how can they have infatuation and attraction when they do not have
any intellect?
Dadashri: Yes. That is what I am
telling you. This is just something to illustrate the point. Actually even that is not considered
love. Love should be with understanding
but even then it is not considered love.
This is just an analogy given to understand the difference between the
two. Have you not heard people say that
the cow has so much affection towards her calf and she has no expectations in
return?
False Love: Infatuation And
Attraction Is Associated With Expectations
Infatuation and
attraction is found where there is expectation for something in return. How many people must there be in India who
have no expectations?
Even when a
person grows a mango tree he does it with the expectation that he and his
family will enjoy its fruit. He even
expects his grandchildren to benefit from it.
He does not nurture the tree for the sake of nurturing without expecting
any fruits in return. He nurtures it for its fruit. That is why people raise
children, for their own benefit; so that their children will take care of them
later on. Do you think they raise their children so the children would abuse
them when they are old?
Questioner: They
raise them so they will take care of them.
Dadashri: But nowadays they abuse
them. One gentleman told me, ‘My son does not take care of me’. I replied, ‘Then what do you expect, you
yourself are not deserving of their care.’
Questioner: It has been written in the scriptures that
parents have equal love for all their children, is it true?
Dadashri: No. Parents are not God that they can have equal
love for each of their children. Only God has equal love for everyone. Parents
are just parents, they are not God.
They will always be partial. I
have equal love for everyone.
The love that
people talk about is worldly love.
People keep singing about love, but in vain. Even with a woman, how can
one have real love? These are all
self-serving relationships. And these
mothers’ love is nothing but the attachment of illusion, because the baby is
born from her body. Even the cows have
attachment for their offspring, but this attachment lasts only for six
months. A mother on the other hand will
be attached even when her child is sixty years old.
Questioner: But isn’t the mother’s love
for her child an unselfish love?
Dadashri: A mother’s love for her
child is not unselfish. This will be
evident when the child grows up and one day insults her! During a heated argument, he may refer to
her as his ‘father’s wife’. When the son utters such words, the mother’s
attachment instantly disappears and she will tell him that she does not want to
see his face ever again. Now is not ‘his father’s wife the same as ‘his
mother’? But still she will become
indignant because he addressed her in this manner. Even she wants reciprocation
of her attachment and worldly love. It is all attachment.
So even that
love is not unselfish. It is the
infatuation and attraction of illusion. Where there is attachment and
infatuation and attraction, there is always selfishness.
Questioner: What you are saying is
true. As the child grows, the
infatuation and attraction increases.
But what about when the baby is only six months old?
Dadashri: Even at that time there is
infatuation and attraction. The whole
day long there is infatuation and attraction. The world is bound through
infatuation and attraction. There can
never be love anywhere in this world.
Questioner: I can understand it when you
say that about the father, but I still have difficulty accepting it about the
mother.
Dadashri: Fathers are selfish whereas
mothers are not selfish when it comes to their children. This is the difference. What does a mother have? All she has is the attachment of infatuation
and attraction. They forget everything else and in such situations they can
never be without any expectations for even a second. No body can be without
expectations. Except for the Gnani, no
one can be without any expectations.
All these people that claim to be unselfish and without expectations are
actually taking advantage of the world.
Questioner: So what kind of love do
parents have?
Dadashri: If one day you were to
insult your parents, they would retaliate. This worldly love is temporary. It
may disappear after a few years. Love
should be real. Love should not increase
or decrease.
Despite this,
when a father gets angry with his son, there is no intent to hurt in is
anger.