HARMONY IN MARRIAGE
Gnani Purush Dadashri has Defined and Enabled the Ultimate Keys to Marital Harmony
1 One family.
2 Differences of opinion between husband and wife.
3 Nagging at meal times.
4 Need a husband, not a boss.
5 The habit of looking at faults of others.
6 Overheated radiator of a car.
7 To improve others or one’s own self?
8 Adjust everywhere through commonsense.
9 Two separate departments.
10 Suspicion is self-destructive.
11 Fault of dominance in a husband.
12 Husbands! Act according to Dada’s Vision.
13 Unwind the strings of bondage with wife in this manner.
14 Recognition of the highest love.
15 Marriage is a promissory note.
16 Quarrels with wife.
17 She will avenge you with a sledgehammer.
18 Complaints from the wife.
19 Results of divorce.
20 The essence of the seven steps taken during marriage ceremony.
21 Differences in the intrinsic qualities of men and women.
22 When sex stops love starts.
23 Mystery behind meeting each other life after life.
24 Ideal interactions in married life.
25 Pratikraman Vidhi
Please note that the numbers given in brackets after some paragraphs correspond to the page number in the original unabridged textbook.
Man and woman have been around forever. They have met each other, married and left each other life after life. This has resulted in complex worldly interactions between the two. In previous eras called Sat, Dwapar and Treta, problems between a man and a woman were nominal because their innate natural characteristics were simple and easily adjustable to each other. Men and women of this era are filled with problems related to innate nature, resulting in differences of opinions, clash and discord. This is the nature of this era called Kaliyug. Married couples are constantly finding themselves at odds with each other and find no harmony in their life together. So for this era, how is a married couple to find harmony and freedom from constant stress and tension? Is there any scripture or book that they can rely on? What are they to do? For these folks, the exact answers to their daily life questions and problems are available in very simple direct language of the one who has lived a married life and experienced the problems encountered, and has awakened to the true nature of the world and the Self. Such a person is a Gnani. Gnani Purush Dadashri has answered all kinds of questions relating to the interactions between a husband and a wife in the current book. This book is compiled from thousands of questions asked to the Gnani Purush over a thirty year period of his life after Self realization, by individuals and couples who seeked final answers to clash and conflict in marital life.
For the reader who pays attention to the satsang that follows in these pages, the grace of the Gnani will be showered in the form of peace and harmony within and in the home, by the answers of the Gnani which bring closure on very intricate and complex problems of married life. These answers of The Gnani, reach the heart of the reader directly and blesses him with the divine vision of looking upon his or her life partner as a Dev or a Devi, celestial beings.
Scriptures do provide knowledge of the highest order for the seeker. However, these are merely words. In worldly life an expert of tires can only mend a punctured tire. Pujya Dadashri who has known the Soul as is, provides simple, easy and direct approach to the heart of the life partner by relating his own real life experience stories and words. These words are the foundations of an ideal life as husband and wife. For this era, The Akram Vignani is a unique and extraordinary gift to the world. Especially for the precise answers to the problems of daily life interactions no one else has given the answers with such clarity and effect.
Countless married men and women came with their marital life puzzles and questions to Pujya Dadashri. Sometimes openly and sometimes privately, all aspects of married life were discussed, especially in the Americas where this was done with much openness. Pujya Dadshri’s answers were focused on the specific situations of the questioner, who has become an instrument in the path of salvation of all couples of the world who want to live in harmony and find real love and meaning in their precious life with each other. The Gnani appeared to scold the husband at some time and at other times he would take his sides and scold the wife. Whatever was said to the man or the woman he would say it with words that had the power to clear all puzzles for the questioner forever. The reader is requested to read the entire book in the correct context and not misuse the final words of the Gnani. The aim is to find one’s own errors and correct them for the common goal of bliss and harmony.
Jai Sat Chit Anand
Dr. Niruben Amin
Satsang with Dadashri commences….
HARMONY IN MARRIAGE
Ideal interactions between husband and wife according to Gnani Purush Dadashri
The numbers in brackets represent the reference to the original full version book.
When does one enjoy life? It is when the whole day passes without any stress or worries. How can one enjoy life when there are conflicts at home? Conflicts are unacceptable, especially at home. There may be conflicts at times with neighbors and others, but why at home? At home one should live life as a family. What is family life like? Love should prevail and flow at all times. Where is the family life nowadays? One starts bickering over a meal that is not to his liking. Underdeveloped people! What are the developed people like? They would set aside what they do not like, and eat the rest of the meal. Can this be done? This is a family life. Go quarrel outside? What does ‘my family’ mean? It means that we do not have any conflicts. You should adjust. You should know how to adjust within your family. Adjust everywhere. (2)
Do you have the knowledge of family organization? Our Indians lack the knowledge of how to organize a family. In the foreign countries they do not understand the right concept of family. For them when James turns twenty, his parents, William and Mary will tell him ‘You are now on your own so that we two love birds can be on our own too!’ They do not have the habit of organizing a family. And their family is very frank. If Mary does not get along with William, she will consider a divorce right away. In India we never accept the idea of divorce. We stay together, we quarrel and then sleep in the same room. This is not what life is all about. This is not called a family life. (3)
In India, people also have their own family doctor. Why do you have a family doctor, when you do not even have a family? Family doctor means the doctor is part of the family. But the wife is not. The treatment given to the wife is not of the kind you would give to a family member. At times she is treated like a non-family member. When the family doctor comes, they do not quarrel with him. Even if he leaves behind a big bill, they will not argue with him. They’ll say ‘this is our family doctor!” One thinks that he is someone with a status by having his own family doctor!
Do you quarrel with a family member even if he hurts you by accident? No. You should live like a family. You should not pretend. People put up pretenses. It should not be like that. One family. Tell her that you don’t like being separated from her. When she gets upset with you, after a little while just tell her “No matter what you say to me, how upset you get with me, I miss you when you are not here!” Just go ahead and say this ‘Guru Mantra’ (special words that bring great results). You never express your love and appreciation to your wife, do you? What is the problem in doing so? Say, “I do not like being away from you.” You should keep most of your love to yourself, but do share and express some of it. (6)
QUARRELS AT HOME
Do you ever quarrel at home? What do you think about clash in the home, do you like it?
Questioner: The world does not function without quarrels.
Dadashri: Then God would not remain there at all. Wherever there is clash, God will not stay there.
Questioner: But at least there should be some quarrel, sometimes.
Dadashri: No, there should not be any quarrelling. Why should there be any quarrels? What is the reason for a quarrel? Are you comfortable with quarrels? How many months can you live with conflicts?
Questioner: Not a single moment.
Dadashri: Not even for a month? You get to eat nice meals, wear beautiful gold jewelry and yet you have to quarrel. It is because you do not know how to live life; you do not know the art of living. That is the cause of quarrels. All we know of is the art of making dollars. That is where your thoughts are preoccupied but you never think about how to live life. Shouldn’t you think about this?
Questioner: We should think about it, but everyone has a different approach.
Dadashri: No, everyone’s ways are not different, they are all the same. Dollars. Where can I make a dollar! And then when one earns some money, he would go to a store and buy something for the house. He brings it home, but does he have to keep looking at it? Then when it becomes old, he has to go and buy another one. All day long he is caught up in a rut, he is unhappy, and he is stressed, stressed and stressed. Alas! How can one live this kind of a life! Does this suit a human being? There should not be any quarrels or conflicts.
Questioner: How would you define a clash?
Dadashri: Clashes with members of the family, with outsiders, clashes with the wife are all included. If a couple gets into an argument and as a result avoid each other for a while then this event is called a clash. There is no problem if they get together right away after two to three hours of bickering. But when they argue and stay apart, that is called clash. If they stay apart for twelve hours then the whole night is spent in clash. (11)
Questioner: This tendency to quarrel, is it more prevalent in a man or a woman?
Dadashri: Women have more of this tendency.
Questioner: What is the reason for that?
Dadashri: There are two categories of clash, minor clash and major clash. Men tend to get into a quarrel of the type that does not last. They forget and let go quickly. This is minor clash. Women on the other hand do not recover from a quarrel that easily and they tend to remember it for a long time. They simply cannot let go easily. This is a major clash, because it is prolonged. Sometimes they even make a big issue of a minor quarrel because of the way they are. For example after a minor disagreement the husband walks about as if nothing has happened but the wife walks around with a sulky face as if she has been starved for three days. (13)
Questioner: So what should one do to avoid major clash?
Dadashri: If you do not light a minor fire she will not turn it into a major fire. The fault is yours for igniting a fire in the first place when you tell her that her food tastes awful. You don’t like the food she has prepared, and so you go around with a frown on your face. All these trivial things give rise to a minor clash, which will lead to a major clash. (14)
Questioner: The important thing is that there should be peace at home.
Dadashri: But how can peace prevail? For peace, one has to understand religion. You should tell everyone at home, “We are not each other’s enemies; nobody has any quarrels with anyone. There is no need to have differences of opinion. Let us share with each other what we have and let us be happy.” That is how we should think and do everything. One should never quarrel with people at home. How can you quarrel with the people with whom you have to share the same home? Nobody has ever been happy by making others miserable and we want to be happy by giving happiness. We can only be happy if we make others happy at home. You will be served a good cup of tea with a smile if you avoid clash with this understanding. Otherwise they will ruin the tea and then serve us.
Look how many worries and inner differences there are! A person does not get rid of even a trace of differences of opinion, and yet he thinks that he is religious. Ask him if clash has ceased at home? Have they even decreased? Have your worries become less? Do you have at least some peace? To that he will say: “No, but at least I practice religion.” You fool! What religion do you have? Being religious means you are at peace within and are not subject to any stress, internal or external, regardless of your worldly situation. To revert to your Real nature is the final definition of religion.
If your wife was holding a stack of dishes and glassware and she drops them, would you be affected by it?
You cannot avoid saying something when you are affected or hurt. You cannot prevent turning on your ‘radio’. The moment you get hurt, your ‘radio’ will come on, which in turn will hurt her. Then she will say, ‘As if you never break anything in your life.’ This is very important to understand. These dishes do break don’t they? If you tell her to break the dishes, she would not, would she? What is it that breaks them? There is no person in this world with an independent strength to break even a single dish. All of these are accounts that are being settled. If anything breaks through the medium of your wife, ask gently, “Are you hurt my dear?” (16)
If you fight over a couch, then throw that couch away. That couch is worth only a few hundred dollars. Is it worth fighting over? It will only sow the seeds of hate. Just get rid of it. Anything that causes conflicts in the home should be thrown away. (17)
The more you understand, the greater your faith. With faith’ results will follow. Without faith it will not help. If you do things with understanding, your life will be happy and it will make her life happy too. Doesn’t she make you wonderful meals?
Questioner: Yes, she does.
Dadashri: What more then? Shouldn’t you be obligated to her because she is your partner? And what is her obligation in this? You bring home the money, and she does all this for you. This is the way a partnership works. The children are the product of your partnership. They are not solely hers, are they? Just because she went though pregnancy does that mean they belong only to her? Children belong to both of you. Do they belong to you both or her alone?
Questioner: Both of us.
Dadashri: Yes. Are the men going to go through pregnancy? So this world is worth understanding. It needs to be understood from many different viewpoints. Only a Gnani Purush can make you understand this world as is. He makes you understand what is good or bad for you. Then there will be an end to clashes at home. (18)
Lord Krishna has said that there are two kinds of intellect; the helpful intellect and the harmful intellect. The harmful intellect brings forth only pain and misery. The helpful intellect brings forth happiness and seeks out happiness in the midst of pain and suffering. Here in America you get such good food, pure ghee, and pure yogurt. Life is easy but people do not know how to live. That is why they suffer.
We should be thinking about what is beneficial to us. What is beneficial of the two; remembering the happiness of the day you got married or remembering the sorrow of the day you became a widower?
The thought of becoming a widower came to me during our marriage ceremony. I was wearing an elaborate turban of the kind the princely classes wear during marriage. Dressed in this manner even as a fifteen-year-old groom I looked very handsome. And my attire was bedecked and impressive. Later on as the wedding ceremony was going on the turban got slightly displaced on my head. It occurred to me then that it is good that we are getting married. It is a good thing that has happened but one day one of us will have to become a widow or widower.
Questioner: You thought that at that young age?
Dadashri: Yes, alas! Wouldn’t one of the wheels break? Whatever is built has to break one day.
Questioner: The intense desire to experience marriage makes you forget your real Self. Where is the time for such thoughts of detachment in marriage?
Dadashri: But at that time a thought occurred to me that whatever has started will come to an end. Of the two of us, one of us will be widowed. Either it will be her or it will be me.
When you got married in the presence of so may guests and relatives, with the Sun God and the priest as your witness, the mantra chanted by the priest was, ’Samaya varte savdhan’. (Exercise caution according to the event in time) When the priest says “Samaya varte savdhan!” He understands it, but what does the person getting married understand? What does this mantra mean? It means that when the wife loses her temper, you should remain calm, and alert. Only then you qualify for the marriage. If she gets angry and you also get angry, then you have not exercised caution in time. When she gets upset, we should calm everything down. Isn’t it necessary to be cautious? I had remained cautious. I never allowed any discord in my marriage. As soon as any discord started, I took out the ‘welding kit.’ (23)
Questioner: What is the root cause of clash?
Questioner: Tremendous ignorance. One does not know how to live in this world. One does not know how to be a father. One does not know how to be a husband or how to be a wife. One does not know the art of living. With all the material benefits and conveniences there is still so much misery. Within the ocean of bliss one still searches for a drop of water.
Questioner: But isn’t the quarreling due to the differences in personality?
Dadashri: It is because of ignorance. In this world no two personalities can ever match. After acquiring this Gnan, there is only one solution; adjust everywhere.
Where there is conflict, God will not reside there. So we can tell God, “Sir, you can stay in the temples, do not come to my home. We will construct more temples, but do not come to our home.” God dwells where there is no clash. I give you a guarantee on this. God leaves as soon as clash starts. As soon as God leaves, people will tell us that the business is not running well. This is because God has departed. Business will run smoothly as long as God is present. Do you enjoy quarrelling?
Dadashri: But it still occurs, doesn’t it?
Dadashri: Diwali or Christmas also happens sometimes. Do they come everyday?
Questioner: The clash stops after about fifteen minutes.
Dadashri: Remove all clashes from your life. Otherwise you will lose your right to be a human being in your next life. Human birth is the result of vast acts of merit in previous lives. To be of Indian parentage and birth is even a higher blessing. For you all Indians here in the US and the UK, there is no shortage of material conveniences and pure and nutritious food. This is further evidence of your higher meritorious acts of past life. What a tragedy it will be if you waste all this by getting into conflicts.
Our home life should be free from any clash. We should be capable of at least this much. If the wife does not know anything else, then you should explain to her: “If there is any clash in our home, God will go away. So therefore let us make a decision that we do not want to have any more clash in our home.” Having made this decision, if clash still takes place, then understand that it is outside your control. So if she starts any conflicts, just get under the bed covers and go to sleep. She too will go to sleep after a while. But what would happen if you answer her back?
Why don’t you decide not to clash at least for three days and see what happens! What is wrong with experimenting? Some people fast for three days, to improve their health, don’t they? Similarly try this too. All of you at home should sit down together and decide. “I liked what Dada was saying, and we will not allow any clash from this moment onwards.” Then just see what happens. (25)
Questioner: Here, in America, even the women go out to work, so they feel a sense of power, and this leads to an increase in conflicts between husband and wife.
Dadashri: It is good if the women become a little powerful. We should think that, wow! They were powerless but now it is good, at least they have some power in them! The cart will run better. Is it better to have weak bullocks pulling the cart or powerful ones?
Questioner: If the power is used properly, then it is fine, but if that power were to be misused then the cart would run poorly.
Dadashri: If there is no one to accept the effect of her power, then it will just bounce with the wall. When she uses that power and it does not perturb you, then all her power bounces off the wall back to her. This will hurt her.
Questioner: You are trying to tell us that we shouldn’t listen to what they are saying?
Dadashri: Do listen. Listen to everything very carefully. If it is beneficial to you listen to everything. And if her power causes clash, then remain silent. You should just observe the degree of intoxication of her ego. The use of the power is dependent upon the degree of intoxication of the ego.
Questioner: That is true. Similarly should we do the same when the men use their power unnecessarily?
Dadashri: That is when you have to exercise the same care. ‘Hmm, today he seems to be in a scolding mood…’ You can tell this to yourself in your mind. But do not say anything to his face.
Questioner: Yes…. otherwise he will add fuel to fire.
Dadashri: Things are off today…sold and scorn is the event of the moment….It should not be so. Be aware of this process. How beautiful the friendship is between two friends! Can two friends act in this manner? Would they remain friends if they act in this manner? Husband and wife are considered friends, and so they have to run their home as such. You should not create problems of this kind. Is this why people get their daughters married? How does it look for those who have acquired brides from India on the basis of their immigration status? So can you act in this manner? Is this behavior becoming of you? What do you think? It does not suit us. Who would you call civilized? Is it the one who has conflicts at home or is it the one who has none? (29)
There should not be even one clash in the home, and if it occurs you should solve it. As soon as you think the flames are going to ignite, throw water on it and cool it down. What is the advantage in living a life of clash? What is the meaning of it at all? There should be no clash in life. What are you going to divide and take with you upon death? Why have any clash when you have to eat and sleep together? You get very upset when someone says anything negative about your husband but you do not have any problems when you do the same. It should not be this way. Even the husband should not do this. If you have any clash, it will affect the life of your children. Clash in the home affects the growing minds of children. Healthy children with emotional maturity will grow from homes without any clash. Otherwise a lot of problems will ensue for these children in the future. (30)
Since the spontaneous expression of this Gnan within me twenty years ago and even twenty years prior to this Gnan, there has been no clash in my home life. It is not worth having any type of clash on any account in this world. (31)
So now think before you do it. Otherwise take Dada Bhagwan’s name. I too take Dada Bhagwan’s name before I do anything. As soon as you take Dada Bhagwan’s name, your work will get done, as you would like it.
Primarily we need to get rid of anger, pride, attachment, greed, and reduce conflicts due to differences of opinions. This is our goal. We have to let the light of knowledge guide us. How long can you remain in darkness? Have you seen the consequences of anger, pride, attachment and greed and discord?
Questioner: Yes, a lot.
Questioner: At home, in the courts, discord exists everywhere.
Dadashri: What is the situation at home? There are only three of you at home, how can you have any discord? You do not even have too many children. What possible reason for discord exists in your home of three persons?
Questioner: There is a lot of discord even amongst the three of us.
Dadashri: Oh ho ho! Is this the kind of fun you look for? If so, then why don’t you have conflicts everyday? Which smart Alec has made this discovery?
Questioner: No Dada, we do not want this kind of fun.
Dadashri: All these people are simply rationalizing their irresponsible behavior.
What is the cost of discord? Is it expensive or cheap? Do you have a lot or little discord?
Questioner: Sometimes there is less discord, sometimes more. It is expensive.
Dadashri: Some days you celebrate and some days you quarrel. Do you enjoy them? Or does it ruin the fun? (39)
Questioner: That is how the world revolves.
Dadashri: No, these are words of excuse for the people. They blame it on the world but they do not admit that it is their own weakness.
Questioner: It is definitely the weakness and that is why all these problems occur.
Dadashri: Yes, that is it, people try to hide their weakness by saying this is how the world revolves. It is because they hide it, that this weakness remains. What does that weakness say? Until you acknowledge my presence, I will not leave.
Questioner: But discord happens at home. Is it not part of worldly life?
Dadashri: Our people fight daily and then they say, “This is what happens in a family.” You fool! This attitude hinders progress. Investigate. Why does it happen? Why do you speak in this manner? What is it that is happening? You have to investigate this. (40)
Whenever you have any discord in the home, what medicine do you use? Do you keep a bottle of medicine?
Questioner: There is no medicine for differences of opinions between husband and wife.
Dadashri: Eh? What are you saying? So then you don’t say a word, you’re in one room and she doesn’t say a word in another room, is that how you go to sleep, by not speaking with each other? Without applying the medicine? Then how will it be cured? How can a wound heal without any treatment? You tell me, if you do not apply medicine to it, then how will it heal. That wound will not have healed even in the morning. In the morning she will sulk as she serves you a cup of tea, and you will realize that the wound from the previous night has not healed. Does that happen or not? All this talk is not outside of experience. We are all the same! So why does she behave as if the wound has not healed even after a whole night? (41)
Everyday that wound remains. It would not heal. It leaves behind a dent, does it not? The dents will be there, so don’t allow these dents to occur. Because if you create these dents right now, then in your old age, your wife will give you dents. At the moment she will not say anything, she will think in her mind that ‘He is very strong so let him be’. But later on, when the time comes, she will take revenge. Instead conduct your interactions in such a manner that you will love each other. Everyone makes mistakes. What is the point of creating clash when mistakes occur? If you want to create clash, why don’t you go and do it with someone powerful and stronger so that you will be answered right away? Here you will never get your answer. So you should both understand this: You should both remember that Dada has warned us to avoid clash and discord. (42)
Do not keep any opinion. Especially after marriage why should there be any difference of opinion? There will be no discord if you do not have an opinion. After marriage can you keep an opinion, which differs, from hers?
Questioner: One should not keep it, but it does happen.
Dadashri: So get rid of the differing opinion. Is it right for you to keep differences? Otherwise you shouldn’t have married. Since you did marry, you should become one. (44)
You don’t even know how to live life! You live a life of so many worries. Are you a single guy? No, I am married he says. So despite having a wife your worries have not stopped? Should your worries not be over? I have thought about this very deeply. Shouldn’t people think on this also? This world is so vast and yet one believes that the whole world is within his room. He simply does not see the insignificance of fights within the home, in the context of the vast expanse of this world. It would still be acceptable if he believes that his room is the whole world, but even there he bullies his wife! (47)
Questioner: When there are two vessels which clash, there will be a sound and then it will die down.
Dadashri: You must enjoy when the noise of these vessels occur. This noise sounds like, “You do not have an ounce of commonsense!” Do you like it?
Questioner: But she will also say, “I do not like anyone, other than you.”
Questioner: But the utensils in the house are bound to make noise.
Dadashri: How can you afford the noise of these utensils every day? You accept it because you do not understand. Those who are aware of the real nature of this world would not be able to sleep with even a single difference of opinion. And these live vessels, husband or wife, have vibrations. They keep on having these vibrations the whole nightlong like, ‘He is awkward, he is useless, and he deserves to be thrown out!’ The lifeless vessels do not create vibrations. Without any understanding, our people have come to accept that wherever there is a married couple, there will be discord. You fools! Are we all utensils that we should make noise? Nobody has ever seen this ‘Dada’ get into discord any day. Why all this noise? All this noise is ultimately dangerous for ourselves only. We are responsible for these conflicts. Is it ever someone else’s responsibility? If you bang your fist on the dinning table, because your tea is not ready, who is in danger? Instead it is better to remain sitting like a dummy. If you get your cup of tea good and well, otherwise just go to work. What’s wrong with that? Even the cup of tea has its timing, does it not? Every event has a time and place. This world is exact. Nothing happens outside the laws of nature. That is why I have said Vyavasthit (scientific circumstantial evidence). When the time comes for you to get your tea, you will get it, regardless of your temper tantrums. You do not need to bang on anything. If you do not raise any negative vibrations your tea will be ready and waiting for you. And the tea will be waiting for you even if you create negative vibrations. But by creating vibrations you will add to your account and some day she will say, ‘That day you were banging on the table’. (49)
One does not have the ability to solve the problems of discord with wife or children. When these clashes occur he gets deeper into confusion.
Questioner: The husband insists that his wife compromise. He himself refuses to compromise.
Dadashri: Yes that means the limit has been reached. If only the wife has to compromise and you don’t, then your limit has been reached. A gentleman on the other hand would make a statement that would make his wife happy. In this manner he would move forward, but you conduct yourself in such a way that for weeks and months things remain stagnant. Nothing gets resolved. Unless there is closure in the mind of the opposing party, you will have difficulties. So compromise.
How can you accept this discord at home? When the wife says, “I am yours” and the husband says, “I am yours”, where is there room for discord? As problems between the two of you increase, the separation between you starts. There is pain in separation. Everyone has problems, not just you. Anyone who gets married will have such problems. After these problems are solved, you will not feel mentally separated. Any sense of separation causes pain.
How can you have problems with your wife? A person with whom… Do you have a double bed or a single?
Questioner: No please forgive me. We only have one bed.
Dadashri: Then if you quarrel with her, what will you do if she kicks you out of the bed?
Questioner: The floor.
Dadashri: So keep one-ness with her. If you quarrel with your wife, and if you don’t keep one-ness with her, where else will you keep it? What does one-ness mean? It means never to have discord. This is the one person with whom you have to decide, ‘There shall be no discord between you and I’. You need to keep that much one-ness. Have you ever kept this kind of one-ness?
Questioner: I have never thought like this before. This is the first time I am thinking.
Dadashri: Yes, you will have to think, wouldn’t you? God did so much thinking and then attained moksha.
Talk about this matter. So some things can be resolved. It is due to a favorable opportunity that you have come together, here in front of me. Therefore do some talking. What is wrong in that? We are all one. You feel a sense of separation because of your intellect, which makes you see it as different. But in fact all is one. Man’s intellect is the problem. Is this intellect in operation in your dealings with your wife?
Questioner: Yes that is what happens.
Dadashri: What is it that causes this sense of separation with the wife? It is the intellect.
When a man and his wife both fight with a neighbor, they unite against the neighbor. When you see both of them raise their fists at the neighbor, you think, “Wow what one-ness! This corporation is united. But when they get back into their house and when they fight with each other he would say, “Go back to your home, I do not want you at all!” Now isn’t this lack of understanding? What do you think? The two were united, that unity broke down and now separation is starting between the two. So even with the wife it becomes ‘mine and yours.’ He would accuse her “You’re like this and you’re like that…,” and she responds “When have you ever been straight?” So even at home it becomes ‘mine’ and ‘yours’.
‘Me and you, me and you, me and you!’ In the past it used to be ‘us.’ ‘We’ two, are one, ‘we’ are like this, and ‘we’ are like that. It is ‘ours’. That turns into ‘mine’ and ‘yours’. Then the quarrels and rivalry will start. Where will this quarrel end? Divorce and devastation is the result. These quarrels destroy everything. So do not get into conflict with anyone. (51)
Everyday he keeps saying, “My wife, my wife” but one day the wife packs her clothes in his suitcase. What does he say? “Why did you put your saris in my bag at all?” Look at these sons of reputable men! Were these saris going to eat him up? But this is all because he has his own separate identity. This ‘husband-wife’ is a business of sorts; it is the reason they get together. It is a contract. But will they lose their separate identities? That identity remains separate. Does he not ask, “Why did you pack your saris in my bag?”
Questioner: Yes, he does. (52)
Dadashri: These men get into an argument over a simple sari found in his bag. The wife thinks, “He always creates this problem, even if I touch his bag. Alas! I must have made a mistake about him when I was looking for a husband. From where did I get such a husband?” But what can she do now? She is dependent on him. She has no option left. If it were Mary, a woman of the western culture she would have left the very next day. But how can an Indian lady leave? She is tied up. There is no room for fighting. There is no space anywhere where people can fight. If there were, they would definitely kill each other!
Alas! There are some men who will make their wife remove her bag even if it is standing next to his. You fool! You are a married man; you went through a marriage ceremony, are you not one now? And yet what does he write? “My other half”. What kind of a man are you? Why do you write ‘My other half?’ Then, is that other half not applicable to the bag also? Who are we ridiculing, the men or the women? Do they not say “other half”?
Questioner: They do.
Dadashri: And then they change their minds. The women will not cause such problems. If he were to pack his pants in her bag, she would not say anything. But these men have such great egos. In this regard their ego is always poised to strike like that of a scorpion, upon the slightest irritation.
Mind you, I am telling you this out of my own past experiences. This way you will also get the strength to accept your errors.
Questioner: Yes Dada, when you say this, everyone remembers their own past and they accept their mistakes.
Dadashri: No, you would not accept it, but I will accept that I have experienced them all. One would hurt her in such a way that he would tell her to go away to her parents. Foolish man! What will happen to you if she left? She is bound to you through karma, where would that poor lady go? But what you are telling her will not go to waste. It will leave a wound on her heart and then it will come back to you later, you fool. You will have to suffer the effect of this karma. You might think, where is she to go anyway? You must never say such things. And if you do, then it is a grave mistake. All here have used such taunts, some time or the other, have they not?
Questioner: Yes, we have. Everyone has done it. There is no exception. The intensity of the taunts may be different but there is no exception.
Dadashri: So this is what everything is like. Now tell me, I have to make all these men wise! How will they become wise? They move about with frowns on their faces as if they just had some castor oil. They eat such delicious meals cooked by their wives and yet their faces look as if they took some castor oil. (54)
Questioner: What should one do to get rid of discord at home?
Dadashri: Investigate what it is that causes discord first. If you have one son and one daughter, then do you ever have discord about the fact that both of them are not sons?
Questioner: No, the differences occur over very trivial matters.
Dadashri: Oh in these trivial matters, it is simply egoism at fault. So when she says this is how it is, you should say, “That is fine.” That is the end of it. But what we do is we use our intellect and then one intellect clashes with the other intellect. Then the discord starts.
Questioner: What should one do in order to be able to say, “That is okay”? I am not able to say that. How can one let go?
Dadashri: You are right it will not come easily. To remedy that, you have to practice for a few days. For a few days, practice what I am saying, and then it will happen. It will not happen immediately.
Dadashri: The differences occur because he thinks he is intelligent and she thinks she is intelligent. Here come two bags full of intelligence! You wouldn’t even get a dime if you were to sell them. Instead, be aware and observe her intelligence…‘Ooh ho! How intelligent she is!’ Then even she will cool down. But if you exercise your intellect and she does the same, there will be a fight. (56)
Questioner: She is the one who gets upset more.
Dadashri: Oh ho! What is discord? Let me explain. Have you ever played the game of tug-of-war?
Dadashri: Two or four people pull a rope from one end and two or four pull the same rope from the other end. Discord means this tug-of-war. When you notice that she is pulling the rope strongly, and you also pull it strongly, what will happen?
Questioner: It will break.
Dadashri: And if it breaks then you will have to tie a knot in it. Instead of having to tie a knot, what is wrong in leaving the rope intact? Therefore, if she pulls very hard, you should let go.
Dadashri: The one who has understanding. The one who has right understanding will let go and the one who is using the intellect will continue pulling. But when you let go, do not let go all of a sudden because if you do, the other party will fall. Let go very gradually, otherwise the poor person will fall down. So from now on, will you let go of this rope? Let go, otherwise you will have to tie a knot and then use it. Does it look good to tie knots in it everyday? You have to use that rope again! What do you think? (60)
Do you have discord at home? It should not occur at all. If it happens then you are unfit to be a husband, and if the wife does it, then she is unfit to be a wife.
Questioner: What effect do these quarrels, between husband and wife, have on the children?
Dadashri: Oh ho! Very negative effects indeed! A small child watches his dad abusing his mother. He will think that it is the father who is the culprit but he dare not say anything. He knows that if he says anything he will be punished. These children make a note of everything. When they see such trouble in the house, they make a note to themselves, ‘When I grow up, I will sort my father out!’ So when he grows up, he abuses his dad! The dad will say, ‘Did I raise you so that you could beat me?’ The son would say, ‘Then who raised you?’ The father will retort ‘Are you bringing my father into this?’ the son would reply, ‘I will even bring in your grandfather!’ It is because we gave him the scope to do this. It is our own mistake when we spoil their minds by quarrelling. Why should we fight at home? If you do not fight, then the child will see this and grow up respecting the parents. (61)
Why are young adults and teenagers disenchanted about marriage? I asked them what objection they had. Do you not like women, or being with a woman or are you not a man? Why? What are the facts? They say that they have seen that there is no happiness in a marriage. I ask them how do they know when they are still so young and unmarried. They reply, “We have seen the so called happiness of our parents. So we have recognized their misery. If they are not happy and if we get married, then we too will be miserable.” Does that happen? (64)
Say if I tell you that it has turned dark outside, and if this gentleman says, no, it is still light outside. Then I would request that he look again. If he still insists that it is daylight, then I would realize that he is saying it according to what he sees. One cannot go beyond one’s vision. So then I would tell him that he is correct by his viewpoint. All I will say is, “Yes, you are correct by your viewpoint.” And then I will move on. Why would I unnecessarily want to waste time with him? He is not going to change. That is the way to bring an end to discord. (65)
Imagine that there is a beautiful white horse about five hundred feet form here. We show it to everyone and ask him or her what he or she sees? Someone may say that it is a cow. Now what can we do about that? Should we punish him?
Dadashri: Why not?
Questioner: According to his vision, he sees a cow.
Dadashri: Yes…his spectacles are like that. We should realize that the poor man has bad eyesight. So it is not his fault and therefore we cannot get upset with him. Just tell him that he is right. Then ask someone else what he or she sees. He would say he sees a horse. So we realize that his eyes are fine. And yet another person may see a bullock, then we have to understand that his eyesight is not good. Those who cannot see, means they have problems with their vision. What do you think? (66)
I have been married for fifty-five years. I have made some mistakes till the age of twenty-five to thirty years. Before Gnan, at a young age, even I threw things in anger. I had the ego of a respectable man of good moral upbringing, as a Patel of six villages, a community of high social status in Gujarat. Then I realized that my nobility was lost in the act of throwing things in anger. My reputation was auctioned in such acts. Do our men throw things at women? These bags of ignorance! Is this a becoming conduct for us? Does this suit us?
Questioner: When you throw things, it is over and done with. Whereas those internal differences of opinions are much worse when they materialize and manifest into certain behavior in the future. Isn’t that considered more dangerous?
Dadashri: Internal differences? Those are extremely dangerous.
But I have searched the scriptures and investigated for a solution to these internal differences. I did not find anything in any of the scriptures. Then, I discovered the solution myself and the solution is that if I get rid of my opinion, then there is no scope for a difference of opinion.
Your opinion is my opinion. (69)
Once I had discord with Hiraba. Even I got myself trapped in a difficult situation. I used to call my wife Hiraba. As a Gnani Purush, I can call everyone Ba (mother - gesture of respect towards elderly ladies) and other ladies I can address as ‘daughter’. If you are interested, I can tell you. It is not a long story, just a short one.
Questioner: Yes, do tell us.
Questioner: One day discord took place, and it was due to my own mistake. The mistake was not hers.
Questioner: She may have made the mistake but you claim it was yours.
Questioner: Yes, but it was not her mistake, it was mine. I am the one who does not want to have any discord. She does not care if any discord occurs or not. I am the one who does not want discord and so it is considered my mistake. If I do this (Dada hits the chair), does the chair get hurt or do I get hurt?
Questioner: You do.
Questioner: So then it is up to me to understand.
So anyway, one day there was a discord and I got trapped. Hiraba asked “The eldest of the four daughters of my brother is getting married. What should we give her as a gift?” Now it would have been fine if she did not ask this, whatever she would have decided to give, I would not have objected. But when she asked me, I responded according to my intellect. So when she asked, I said “Instead of having something new made why don’t you take one or two pieces from all the silverware we have in this cupboard and give them as a gift?” Do you know what her reply was? In our house words like ‘mine-yours’ are never used. Only the words ‘our-ours’ are used. So she said, “When your uncle’s son got married you gave huge silver plates.” Now on that day she used the words ‘mine’ and ‘yours’, otherwise she would always say ‘ours’. She would never make the division of ‘mine’ and ‘yours’. This was for the first time. I thought to myself ‘Today I am trapped!’ I realized right away and looked for an opportunity to get out of this predicament. Now, how can I mend this damage? The bleeding had already started, how could I apply the bandage in order to stop the bleeding?
So that day ‘mine-yours’ occurred. ‘Your uncles’ son’, she told me, the situation went that far. I realized that I had made a major mistake. So that day I saw that I was about to take a fall. I immediately corrected myself. I lied. It is better to do that, than to create discord. I turned the situation around quickly and completely. I told her, “I did not mean to say that! I am trying to say something else. There is a little misunderstanding on your part. I am not saying that.” So she asked “Then what are you saying?” I replied “Give her the small silverware and in addition give her five hundred rupees in cash. She could use that money!” In turn she replied, “You are too naïve, how can you give so much?” I realized I had won over the situation. So then I told her “You can give whatever you want to. All four of your nieces are like our daughters.” At that point she became content! “You are truly divine!” she said.
You see I fixed the damage. I knew that if I had said five hundred rupees, she was not likely to give that much. So I passed the responsibility on to her. I knew her nature. If I gave her five hundred rupees, then she would only have given three hundred. Therefore, tell me why should I have a problem in giving her the authority? (75)
Nagging at Meal-Times
Why do you interfere in household matters? Don’t people make mistakes? Is it the people who work that make mistakes, or the ones who do not do any work?
Questioner: The ones who work.
Questioner: So do not point out any mistakes in her cooking. If the kadhee (soup dish made from yogurt) is too salty, you don’t have to comment on it. Just put aside what you do not like, and eat the rest. It is a man’s habit to point out his wife’s mistakes and then tell her off. He has developed that habit. But this lady is no angel either. It has become like America versus Russia. There is a cold war going on within the family. That is why I make you understand how to live like a family. These conflicts are going on in every household.
If the food is not to your liking, can you refrain from making a comment? If there is too much salt in your soup can you refrain from saying anything? Do you think that they will not find out without your comments, or must you say something? If you have guests, then you wouldn’t even let the guests eat it. Now why would you do such a thing? When she herself tastes it, she will find out without you blowing your horn.
Questioner: But if the khadee is salty, then you have to say it is salty.
Questioner: Then your life too will become salty. You are insulting her by telling her it is too salty. That is not called being a family. (83)
Questioner: You can say it if they are your own people, you cannot say it to others, can you?
Questioner: So you can abuse your own?
Questioner: If you tell them, then they would do a better job next time.
Questioner: Whether she does a good job or not, such talks are not needed. Why do these things happen? It is neither under the control of the maker nor is it under the control of the person who says anything. Under whose control is all this? I know the cause behind all that. (85)
Have you become at least a little wiser? You will be, won’t you? You have to become absolutely wise. The wife should say “I want a husband like you in every life.” A lady once told me, “Dada if I have to have a husband, I would like this very same one every time.” She is the only one so far who has said this to me. I remember her. (89)
You cannot play games with women. Why do you have to criticize how cold the vegetables have become, or why the daal (soup) does not have the right spice? Why do you keep on nagging in this manner? If you speak in this manner once a year, then it is okay, but why do it everyday? If the daal is not good or the vegetables are too cold, it all happens because it is the law of nature. And if it happens frequently, then if you want to say something, say it calmly, ‘Whenever this vegetable dish is hot, it tastes very good.’ She will get the hint when you say it in this way. (90)
Nobody at my home knows what ‘Dada’ likes and what he does not. Do you think the cooking of a meal is under the control of the person who is cooking it? It all comes together on a plate because of the vyavasthit (scientific circumstantial evidence) of the one who is going to eat it. You should not interfere in this. (91)
NEED A HUSBAND, NOT A BOSS
There is nothing wrong in looking at her closely before marrying her. You can look. Look, provided she is going to remain the same her whole life. Will she remain the same, as the day you first saw her? Would she not change? So when she changes, you will not be able to handle it, you will feel suffocated. Then where will you go? You have entered a trap.
Why get married? The reason to get married is that you can go out to work for money while she works at home and that way your married life proceeds well and you can practice religion. And if she wants a couple of children, go ahead and settle that problem and then after that, delve into higher aspects of life. But what do you do instead? You insist on being her boss. You silly man, why are you trying to become a boss?
Questioner: But why can’t the wife take care of everything for me?
Questioner: Oh ho! The wife exists to take care of all your needs?
Questioner: That is why we have brought home a wife.
Questioner: Scriptures have proclaimed for a husband not to exercise any kind of dominance over his wife. In fact you are not a boss. Your marriage is a partnership. In the worldly language people use the word husband, wife, boss and the one who is secondary to boss, the wife. But really it is a partnership. So you do not have any right of ownership over your wife. You cannot make demands on her. You have to explain things to her in order to get your work done.
Questioner: When the bride’s father did kanyadaan (kanya = unmarried girl; daan = gift, donation) they gave the bride as a gift, so then don’t we become their owners?
Questioner: that is not for the civilized community. That is for the uncivilized community. In our civilized community, men should take every care to make sure that the wives do not suffer. Otherwise they will never be happy. Nobody has ever been happy having made his wife miserable. And any wife, who has made her husband miserable, will never be happy. (97)
It is because of this dominating attitude that he gets out of hand. Then he will have to suffer the consequences of his authoritative conduct. All this is suffering. This is a partnership. You have a partnership with your wife, not an ownership. (98)
Questioner: What about the wife who becomes bossy?
Questioner: That doesn’t matter. She cooks good meals and feeds you. You have to say to her “Oh ho! You cook such wonderful meals for me!” That will please her and then the following day she will calm down. Do not have any anxieties about that. When will she become your superior? When she grows a moustache. But is the moustache ever going to grow? (101)
Besides, one life will be spent settling your account with her. That account is not going to increase. So why not live in a peaceful manner? (102)
Hindus by nature are volatile. That is why it is said that Hindus go through life clashing. But Moslems are very insightful. They will conduct their fighting outside the home, but at home, they do not fight with their wives. Nowadays, we see even the Muslims behaving like Hindus because of close contact with them. But as compared to the Hindus, I find them wiser in these matters. Some Moslems even pamper their wives by lovingly pulling the string of the garden swing that their dear wife is sitting on.
Questioner: Dada, why don’t you tell us more about that incident of the Moslem gentleman and the swing?
Questioner: Yes. One day I had gone to visit a Muslim friend. We sat down on chairs. His wife was sitting on a swing. He started to push the swing for his wife, so I inquired “Does she not take advantage of you if you pamper her in this way?” He replied, “What advantage is she going to take? She does not have any weapons or anything of that sort!” I told him “Our Hindus will not do this, because they are scared that their wives may start taking advantage of them.” So the he asked me “Do you know the reason behind why I push her on the swing?”
In the years between 1943-1944 I had a contract for construction with the government. There was a gentleman, a head bricklayer with a labor contract. His name was Ahmedmiya. He had invited me several times to visit his home, “Sahib, visit my little hut”, he would say. They are very soft spoken and sincere, their conduct may or may not correspond. But it is pleasant when they speak sincerely.
One day he asked me if I would bless him by visiting his home. His wife and children would be very pleased. I did not have Gnan at that time but my world vision was very elevated. I had compassion for everyone. If I employed someone, my inner feelings always looked out for his welfare. And my intent was such that people should be free of their miseries and become happy.
I had seen the good qualities of this community. I agreed to visit him. He told me that he had only one room and was concerned where I would sit. I told him, “I will sit anywhere, all I need is a chair and if there are no chairs, I will do without one. But I will definitely come to your home. It is your wish, so I will come.” So I went. Because I had a contract business, many times I would have to visit a Moslem house. I would also drink tea at their home. I do not hold any differences. (106)
He had only one large room; the other room was as small as a toilet. I asked him about the rooms, he said, “Sir, what can I do? This is more than enough for us poor people”. I asked him where his wife slept. He said, “In this same room. You can call this a bedroom, a dinning room, this room is everything”. So I asked, “Ahmedmiya, don’t you ever fight with your wife?” He was amazed, “What are you saying! That never happens. I am not a foolish man”. “You must have a little discord?” I inquired. “Not with my wife.” He replied. I went on “What if your wife gets angry sometimes?” He said, “I say to her ‘Beloved, outside that boss harasses me, and if you harass me here, what will become of me?’ So then she calms down.”
So I told him, “Since there is no discord, there is no problem”. He replied “What happens if there was discord? Where would she sleep and where would I sleep? If this home had three levels then I know I can go away to the third floor. But here, we both have to sleep in the same room. She faces one wall and I face the other wall, what fun is there in that? The whole night we would not be able to sleep, and where else would I go? So I do not make my wife unhappy at all, even if she were to beat me up. I fight with everyone outside the home, but not with the wife. You cannot do anything to the wife. If I get angry, I go and fight outside, but not at home.”
If Salia’s wife (a moslem family) asks him to buy meat, Salia would be in a dilemma. His wages are very low, how can the poor man buy any meat? The wife has been telling him for over a month that their poor children keep thinking about mutton. Then one day when the wife gets irritated, he will tell her “I will get some today.” He always has ready answers; otherwise if he does not give an answer, she will nag him. So he immediately gives her a positive answer, “I will bring it today, I will bring it from wherever I have to”, and that way he prevented a discord. So the wife thinks that he will bring it today and I will cook it. But when she sees him come home empty handed, she will start yelling. Now Salia is a very shrewd man, so he is able to pacify her, “Dear heart, only I know my problems, you would not understand”. He will utter a few such sentences in a manner that will turn his wife around and she will tell him not to worry and get it some other time. After fifteen days or so, the same scenario starts again, he will plead his condition to her, and the wife will be happy with that. He will never fight.
Whereas Hindu men will say, “You are trying to control me?” You cannot say such a thing to your wife; these words themselves show you that you are under control. You are being controlled. How can she control you? When even at the time of marriage, your hand is on top of hers, then how can she control you? If she ever controls you some time, then just be calm. Only the weak get irritated. (107)
In Aurangabad, city in India there was a Muslim doctor’s son. He must have heard from someone that Dada’s spiritual satsang was worth listening to. He was about twenty five years old. I talked about satsang, and this world. I talked scientifically. He liked the scientific approach and felt that it was worth listening to. Until now whatever has been written, is the description of what has gone on during that time. As time changes, the description changes. What does a Paigambar mean? A Paigambar is the one, who brings God’s paigaam (message) and makes it available for everyone. So I made fun of him. I asked him if he was married or just dating? He said he was married. “When? And you didn’t invite me?” I joked. “Dadaji, I didn’t know you, or I would have invited you the same day. I have been married only six months now”. I was just making fun of him. I asked him how many times he did namaj (Islamic prayer to God). “Sir, I do it five times”. I asked, “How are you able to do namaj at 3 o’clock in the morning?” He replied, “It has to be done, there is no choice. I have to get up at 3 o’clock and do it”. I asked, “Now that you have a wife, does she let you do it at 3 o’clock in the morning?” He replied, “Even as a young child I used to do it. My father, the doctor, he too used to do it.” So I asked him, “Now that you have a wife, how does she let you do it at 3 o’clock?” He replied, “The wife too tells me that I have to do namaj.” Then I asked him if he quarrels with his wife. He was astonished, “What are you saying? What is this you ask?” I asked “Why?’ He replied “Oh ho! The wife is the sugar of my life. If she tells me off, I accept it. Sir, it is because of my wife that I live. She gives me a lot of happiness. She makes wonderful meals and feeds me, how can I hurt her?” Now if people understand even this much, it would be good. Do not try to dominate your wife. Don’t you understand? Is the wife at fault? “Sweetness of my life, even if she curses me, there is no problem. If anyone else swears at me, I will sort him out!” Now tell me how much value do these people have? (111)
THE HABIT OF LOOKING AT FAULTS OF OTHERS
Questioner: She feels bad if herfaults are pointed out to her, and she feels bad even if you do not say anything.
Questioner: No, no, no, she will not feel bad. If you do not point out her mistakes, she herself will tell you that the soup is salty and why did you not say anything? That is when you tell her that you do not have to say anything about what she would have found out eventually. But instead what happens is “This soup is too salty!” there will be a look of disgust on your face. You foolish man, what kind of a man are you? How can one keep you as a husband? Such husbands need to be thrown out! Such weak husbands! Is she not able to see this mistake herself that you have to cause discord? Why hurt her unnecessarily? She will think to herself, “Don’t you think I know that? He is always criticizing me. He hurts me all the time’. Our people deliberately point out mistakes that are minor and easily apparent and that is the reason why this life is so full of clashes. What do you think? So what is the objection in thinking a little on this point? (114)
Questioner: If we point out such mistakes, then she would not make the same mistake again, would she?
Questioner: Oh ho! So that you can have a reason to preach! Yes, there is nothing wrong in pointing out the mistakes. What I am telling you is that you point out their mistakes, if only they appreciate you doing so, “It’s a good thing you pointed out my mistake, I was not aware of it”.
Sister, do you appreciate it when he does that?
Questioner: What is the point in showing her the mistake, which she is already aware of? If there is something wrong with the cooking, then will she not know this when she eats the meal herself? So there is no need for us to say anything. If she is not aware of her mistake and then you point it out to her, she may appreciate it. It is only the Indian men who do this. (115)
When I used to live on the third floor of a house in Santa Cruz, in Bombay, tea used to be brought up to me. Some days they forgot to put sugar in the tea. I would drink it, telling Dada within, “Sahib, put some sugar in this tea,” and so Dada would do so. I would drink the tea even if there was no sugar in it. Interference was not my nature. Then later on they will be rushing around to bring the sugar. I would ask, “Why did you bring sugar?” They would say, “Why did you not ask for sugar, the tea was not sweet?” I would reply, “Why do I need to tell you?” Do you understand what I am saying? (116)
I asked one man if he ever pointed out his wife’s mistakes. He said, “She is full of mistakes, so her mistakes have to be pointed out.” I said, “You arrogant, bundle of intelligence! If you were to sell this bundle, no one would even give ten cents for it. and here you are with the belief that your wife is full of mistakes.” (117)
Questioner: Some people understand their mistakes, but are not able to improve. What then?
Questioner: They cannot improve by you telling them. On the contrary, they get worse. It is only when one is ready to think about avoiding then only we may help them by telling her. Communicate openly with her in a friendly manner. Should you not have a friendship with your wife? You keep friendship with others. Do you argue with your friends daily in this manner? Do you openly point out their mistakes to them? No! That is because; you want to maintain that friendship. Whereas with your wife you think, “Where can she go, now that she is married.” This kind of behavior does not suit us. Make your life like a garden. Your home should feel like you are in a garden. You should not let any problems occur for anyone in the home. Even for the young children, if they know their mistakes, then you should not point it out to them at all. Show only the mistakes they are not aware of. (118)
It is sheer madness to exercise dominance. What qualifies you as a good husband? When you do not meet any opposition from your wife.
Everyone nags at the woman in the home. That is not a sign of gallantry. Gallant is the man who does not cause any difficulty for the wife or the children in the home. The child may misbehave, but this should not disturb the peace and harmony of the married couple. This is called marriage. Children are innocent, naïve and immature. What do you think? What does justice tell you? (119)
Draw attention to only those faults they are not aware of, or cannot see. If you nag them over what they believe as their mistake, you will hurt their ego. They will then wait for a chance to repay you. They wait for that opportunity. What is the need for this? So there is no need to bring their attention to the things they already understand. (120)
If it is too bitter, then you should swallow it alone, but how can you allow the women to drink it? After all we are Mahadevji (Lord Mahadev symbolizes a being that swallows all the poisons/bitterness of the world without any complaints, and does not retaliate). Are we not Mahadevji? Men are like Mahadevji. If there is a lot of difficulty, you can tell her, “You don’t worry, you go to sleep, and I’ll take care of it.” Don’t these good ladies give us a lot of support in life? So then how can you have problems with her? If you hurt her in any way, then you should repent for it secretly. Tell her, “From now on I will not hurt you. I made a mistake. Please forgive me.”
What kinds of pain occur at home? What kind of arguments takes place? What kind of discord takes place? If you both write all this down on a piece of paper and bring it to me, I will solve all of them for you in an hour. They occur because of misunderstanding. Nothing else. (123)
All the problems of the home should stay within the four walls of your home. That is the type of life one should live. If you make just this much of a change, it is very good. There should be absolutely no clash. You should live within your means. If you do not have enough money, then you should not be in a hurry to buy saris. You should be conscious of not putting your husband into difficulty. Spend only if you have the money. (126)
OVERHEATED RADIATOR OF A CAR
If sometimes the husband comes home late, due to certain circumstances, the wife will comment “Huh! …Why did you come home so late?” Don’t you think he knows that he is late? He is already feeling uncomfortable about being late and then on top of that the wife has to nag about how late he is. Poor man. This is all meaningless talk. Do you understand all this? So if he comes home late some day, then you have to see what kind of a mood he is in. If he is not in a good mood, then give him a nice cup of tea and get him in a good mood, before he sits down to dinner. Don’t you offer a cup of tea to a policeman, if he comes to your house, even if you are not in a good mood? Now this is your own husband, so shouldn’t you please him? He is your own, so you have to make him happy. Most of you may know what happens when a car gets overheated. Do we hit it with a stick or do we come up with ways to cool the radiator down? You have to cool the radiator, turn on the fan. Can you not do that? (130)
Questioner: What is the way to stop him from drinking brandy?
Questioner: When he sees love in your home he will stop everything. He is ready to stop anything for love. When he does not see love at home, he falls in love with the brandy. He will fall in love with this or fall in love with that. Otherwise he will wander around on the beach all day. You fool! What is it that you are going to find here, go home, why don’t you? So he will say, “But I don’t like it at home.” (131)
TO IMPROVE OTHERS OR ONE’S OWNSELF?
These relations are relative, temporary. A lot of husbands become so obsessed in trying to improve their wives that it destroys the love between them. He thinks he has to improve her. You fool, why don’t you improve yourself? Improve just once. And besides, she is not yours permanently. She will leave you when she leaves this world. One day the relationship will end. This is just temporary, so take care of her, come to an agreement with her and enjoy her company in harmony. (136)
Questioner: Prakriti (a person’s inherent characteristics, tendencies, personality etc.) cannot be improved but shouldn’t worldly interactions improve?
Questioner: People do not understand the nature of worldly interaction. It is enough if people had known this even for half an hour. What is right worldly interaction? Superficial. Right worldly interaction does not mean insisting on the truth. People believe that insistence on the truth is right worldly interaction. This is all relative and temporary. This type of behavior is of no importance when it comes to salvation and real freedom. So stop fretting and get your work done. Worldly interaction means returning what was given. If someone says, you do not have any sense, then we should realize that it is pay back time of what we gave to him in the past life. If you understand this principle, then you have understood right worldly interaction. Right now nobody has right worldly interaction. The one who has understood right worldly interaction is free. (145)
Someone may say, ‘Straighten her out!’ If you try to straighten her, you yourself will become crooked. Therefore don’t try to straighten your wife. Accept her the way she is. It is a different matter if you have a permanent relationship with her, but after this one life, she will be away somewhere, with some one else. You both have different times of death, both have different karma, nothing can be given or taken, and nothing can be changed. Who knows where she will go from here? You may straighten her up and she will end up going to someone else in the next life. (145)
Only the one, who has improved him self, can improve others. Prakriti cannot change, nor can it be controlled by threats. It is because of all these threats that these worldly problems continue. Prakriti worsens with threats.
If you are really concerned about improvement of your spouse, do not clash. Someone hard headed will improve them for sure.
How can you destroy someone who is under your protection? Your highest aim should be to protect them even if they are at fault. See how these Pakistani prisoners are protected, despite being prisoners here. Whereas this is your wife, your own, is she not? Out of the home, people are cowardly and at home they fight. (147)
ADJUST EVERYWHERE THROUGH COMMONSENSE
There is no difference between colliding with a wall and getting into an argument over differences of opinion with someone. It is essentially the same thing. Both are blind. A person bumps into a wall because he cannot see and a person gets into conflict because he too cannot see. One cannot see what lies ahead of him, and the other cannot find a solution ahead of him so he is in disagreement. All these anger, pride, attachment and greed arise because of one’s inability to see what lies ahead. This is how we should understand this. It is no fault of the wall, but of the person who is hurt by it. All these are walls only. All situations are like the wall. When you clash with a wall you do not go to find who was at fault. There is no need to prove who is right and who is wrong.
You must think of those who are clashing with you, as walls. Look for the door, so even in the darkness you will be able to find your way out of it. You need to make it a rule not to clash with anyone.
TWO SEPARATE DEPARTMENTS
Men should not interfere in matters of women and, women should not interfere with matters of men. Each should stay within his or her department.
Questioner: What is the woman’s department? What matters should the men not interfere in?
Questioner: Cooking and running the household is a woman’s department. It is not necessary for him to know where she buys her groceries and gets her grains. If she tells you that she is having some problems trying to get some grains, then that is a different matter. But is there any need to interfere in her department, when she does not ask for any help? There is no need to tell her what to cook. When the time comes, your meal will be served. Her department is her territory. If some day you have an intense desire to eat a cake, then you can tell her. I am not telling you, you cannot say anything, but when you complain about trivial things ‘The soup is too salty, it’s too salty’, then you are interfering in her department. (182)
So a good husband will not interfere in the domestic affairs of his wife. Otherwise he is like a woman. There are some men who go into the kitchen and check the spice containers to see how much spice has been consumed in the last two months. You fool, where will it end when you start this? It is a concern for the person who runs that department. Things get used up and have to be bought again. But why are you trying to be a smart Alec? You should not interfere in her kitchen department. (183)
In the first few years of our marriage there was some interference. Then gradually we cleaned up all the mess and made a decision that kitchen business was her responsibility and earning money was mine. We were not to interfere in each other’s affairs.
If you look at interaction in our home, you would find it very pleasant. When Hiraba was healthy, she would personally go to the vegetable stand at the end of our street, and buy vegetables. If I was at home, she would ask me, “What vegetables should I bring?” I would tell her to bring whatever she wanted to. Then she would buy them. This is how it would go on everyday. So then what would a person do? She then stopped asking for a few days, because the answer was the same. Then one day I asked, “Why did you bring these karelas (bitter gourds)?” She replied, “Whenever I ask you what I should bring, you tell me what ever I want to, and now you’re pointing out my mistakes?” I told her, “No, we have to keep a custom that you have to ask me what vegetables to buy and I will tell you whatever you feel like. Keep this custom of ours going!” This custom she carried out till the end. Even the people who came to visit us were impressed. How wonderful is the custom of this household. So our worldly dealings should look good on the outside. It should not be one sided. How wise Lord Mahavir was! He kept the real and the relative separate. Not one sided at all. Don’t people notice worldly interactions? People saw us everyday. “Does she ask you this everyday?” my friends would ask. I tell them, “Yes, she asks me everyday.” “So doesn’t she get tired?” they ask. I replied, “Why would she get tired? It is not as if she has to climb stairs or a mountain.” Conduct your worldly interaction in a manner, which people appreciate. (187)
Questioner: In which matters should a wife not interfere in her husband’s affairs?
Questioner: She must not interfere in any of her husband’s affairs; “How many goods came into the shop? How much was sold? Why did you come late?” The husband would then have to say, “I missed the nine o’clock train!” Then she will say, “What were you doing that you missed the train?” Then he gets irritated. He thinks that even if God asked him such questions, he would let him have it. But what can he do here? So there is unnecessary interference. It is like cooking a good meal and then eating it with some grit in it! How can it taste good? Men and women should help each other. If the husband has worries, then the wife’s main concern should be to find ways to reduce his worries. And the husband should see that the wife is not placed in a difficult situation. The husband should realize how difficult a time the children must have been giving his wife. Men should not say even a word when things break at home. But instead they complain, “Last time I bought the best cup and saucers, and you broke them. You have destroyed everything.” The wife will then think, “Did I break them? What can I do if they break? What can I do?” she will say. Now even in such trivial matters there are disputes. Where one has nothing to give or gain, why start a discord? Where there is absolutely no reason to fight, why start?? (190)
From the beginning, when I was young, I had made the division; that the kitchen was hers and the business was mine. When I was young, I used to get very angry when any female member of the joint household ever asked me about accounts in the business. This was none of her business. You are asking without any connection. There should be some connection. She would ask ‘How much did you earn this year?’ I would tell her that she should not ask me about these matters. This is my department. So tomorrow if I decide to give 500 rupees to someone, she would interfere in my business and complain that all the money will be gone. Do not interfere in my department.
SUSPICION IS SELF DESTRUCTIVE
Most conflicts at home arise from suspicions. These suspicions give rise to vibrations, which then ignite into flames. If one becomes without any mistrust these flames extinguish. But if husband and wife, both become suspicious, then the flames will burn everything. One of them will have to become free of mistrust. The quarrels between parents are the cause of emotional instability in children. So in order to save the children, both parents should come to an understanding and bring an end to all clashes. Who would be able to remove these suspicions? This Gnan of ours is such that it makes you completely suspicion free. (209)
One husband became suspicious about his wife. Can that ever be eliminated? No! That is called lifetime mistrust. Similarly the wife had suspicions about her husband, and that too would not go away for a lifetime.
Questioner: What can one do, when suspicion arises against our wishes?
Questioner: Possessiveness, sense of ownership is the cause. He is my husband. There is nothing wrong in having a husband and calling him ‘my’ husband. You can also say ‘my husband’, but there should not be any possessiveness. 212)
Aim for two things in this respect, superficial trust and superficial suspicion. Do not go too deep into it. In the end, the mistrusting person will lose his sanity and he would be admitted in a mental hospital. If one was to ask his wife ‘What is the guarantee that you are chaste?’ His wife will say, “Idiot! Get out of here.”
He will be suspicious of his own daughters when they go to school. He will suspect his wife also. This is sheer betrayal. This era is filled with betrayal in the home. Deceit and betrayal, deceit and betrayal, deceit and betrayal; this era is full of it. What happiness is he seeking? That too, he is doing this without any understanding, in a state of stupor. There is no deceit or betrayal in those with untainted intellect. This era is a meeting of such foolish people. (214)
Even when other people have labeled a person immoral, you should consider him moral. This is because he may not be really immoral. By labeling him immoral you face a serious liability. If you call a virtuous woman, a prostitute, then it is a grave error, the result of which you will have to suffer for many lives to come. So do not say anything about any one’s moral conduct, what if you are wrong? What is our own worth when we make comments along with other people’s comments? I have never made any such comments about anyone, nor have I made such comments to anyone. I never interfere. Who would take on such a liability? You should never have any doubts about anyone’s moral character. It is very dangerous. I will never allow suspicion. Why would I want to take on such a liability?
One man kept having suspicions about his wife. I asked him the reason behind his suspicions. Had you seen something that makes you suspicious of her? Was it not going on even before you saw her? The world labels the one who gets caught as a thief. Even the people who carryon without being caught are thieves. But here only the one who gets caught is called a thief. You fool, why are you calling him a thief? He was a simple man. He got caught because he was an amateur. The expert thieves never get caught. (215)
Men who want peace of mind about their wives conduct, should marry a woman who is unattractive, so that no one would want her, no one would want to keep her. She herself would say, “Nobody wants to keep me. I found only my husband, he is the only one who takes care of me.” So she would remain sincere to you, absolutely sincere. But if she is beautiful, then people will enjoy her without fail. If she is beautiful, they will lust after her. Whenever someone marries a beautiful woman, I think of what predicament he is going to be in. If she is unattractive, only then there will be a safe side.
When one has a beautiful wife, he will forget God, won’t he? And if the husband is handsome, the wife will forget God. That is why the older generation had a saying that: ‘Keep the farm chopat (flat) and a woman kobaad (unattractive, idiotic). (217)
What are these people like? They ‘dine’ wherever they see a ‘hotel’, (the moment they see a woman, they will enjoy her). So it is of no use to harbor suspicions in this world. Suspicions themselves cause misery. (218)
These people are such that if the wife comes home a little late, they start having suspicions about her. Suspicion is something that you should absolutely shun. Nothing is going to happen outside the limits of your account. When she comes home late, explain things to her but do not suspect her. Suspicion feeds more fuel. Alert her, but do not suspect her. Those who harbor doubts lose their harmony and liberation. So if you want to be liberated you should cast off all doubts. If you happen to see another man walking with his arm around your wife, are you going to commit suicide? (219)
So if you have any suspicions about anyone, do not harbor them. Be aware, but do not be suspicious about others. Suspicion will kill you. Whatever is going to happen to the other person will happen, but that suspicion will surely kill you. Because that suspicion will not leave you until you die. It makes a person live like a corpse. (220)
FAULT OF DOMINANCE IN A HUSBAND
Questioner: There are some men who run away from home because they get tired of their wives, what is that?
Questioner: No, why should we become a run away? We are pure Soul, what is the need for us to become a run away? We have to settle the matter with equanimity with her.
Questioner: How can we settle? Should we take it as a past due account?
Questioner: You cannot settle by just doing that. Settling with equanimity means you have to make a ‘phone call’ to the Soul of the other person. You have to notify her Soul. You have to admit and accept the mistakes you have made to that Soul. So you have to do heavy repentance and ask for forgiveness.
Questioner: If a person insults us, even then do we have to do pratikraman (acceptance of mistake, repentance of mistake and a vow not to repeat the mistake in the future)?
Questioner: Do pratikraman only when he insults you, not when he praises you. When you do pratikraman, feelings of hatred for that person would not occur at all. On the contrary, you will have a positive effect on him. The first step is that you will come to experience that you do not have any abhorrence or any negative feelings for him. Later on the other person will also feel the positive effects of your pratikraman.
Questioner: Does it reach his Soul?
Questioner: Yes, it definitely reaches. His Soul will nudge his pudgal (complex of thoughts, speech and acts), ‘There is a phone call for you!’ This pratikraman of ours is for the aggression of thoughts, speech, and acts.
Questioner: Does one have to do a lot of pratikramans?
Questioner: The faster you want to construct a home, the more bricklayers you need. It is fine if you cannot do pratikraman of those who are outsiders, but you have to do a lot of pratikramans for all those around you and those who are close to you, all the members of the family. For the people in the house, you should keep the intentions of, “These people are born close to me, they live together with me and that some day they should take benefit of this wonderful science of liberation.” (224)
A man once came to me and said, “Dada I got married but I do not like my wife.” I asked him the reason for not liking her. He said she limps; she has a limp when she walks. So I asked him “Does your wife like you?” He replied “Dada, I am a likeable person! I am handsome, educated, I earn and I do not have any deformities.” I told him, “Then the fault is yours only. What kind of a mistake did you make to deserve a limping wife like her and what good karma did she do that she got a great husband like you?” Listen here, it is all your own doing that is coming back to you. So then why are you looking at faults in her? Suffer the fruits of your past mistakes with equanimity and do not make any new mistakes’. The man understood this and his life that was on the verge of ruin became harmonious. (225)
HUSBANDS! ACT ACCORDING TO DADA’S VISION
Questioner: What should I do when the wife says that she doesn’t want my parents to live with us, and that I am not to call them?
Questioner: Then achieve your work through making her understand. Do it through a democratic process. Call her parents and take really good care of them.
Questioner: If the parents are old. On one hand I have my elderly father and mother, and on the other is my wife, so between the two, who should I listen to first?
Questioner: Improve your relations with your wife to an extent that she herself will tell you to take care of your parents. Why are you behaving in this way? You should say a few negative things about your parents to your wife, to make her feel that you are in her favor. But what do our people say instead? “No one has a mother like mine. You better not say anything.” Then if your wife gets upset, you should tell her, “Mother’s nature has become that way. Do not mind her. Forgive her.” The Indian mind has a habit of changing in the wrong direction. This is an Indian mind.
Do you know that some people make their wives, their Guru?
Questioner: Yes, I do.
Questioner: It is not worth making them a guru; otherwise you will put your parents and all other family members into difficulty. And after making her a Guru, you will put yourself in a difficulty too. There are times when you want to play with her, which you will not be able to do if you make her your boss. This does not happen to those who come to me. With my Gnan their life together is filled with harmony. All subtle internal violence disappears. All they think about is how to make others happy. (227)
You have to be careful and compromise especially with a new wife. If everything is new then you have to help her adjust. If the wife sulks on the first day and you become upset, nothing good would come of the situation. If she sulks, pacify her, tell her you two are one. Try to appease her in this manner. What happens if you both start pouting? You should know how to deal with your wife, shouldn’t you? (229)
Questioner: Some ladies get tired from repeated house chores. When you ask them to do something, they find all kinds of excuses- I am tired, my head hurts, and my back hurts.
Questioner: Start the morning by telling her, “My dear you are tired today. Why don’t you take a break and rest?” This will energize her. She will retort, ‘No you be quiet and sit down, I will take care of it’. So we should have the art of getting work out of someone. Even when you chop vegetables, if you do not know how to cut them then you can cut yourself. (232)
Questioner: When we are driving, she will tell me how to drive, where to take a turn, when to slow down, when to apply the brakes. She is always nagging, ‘Drive this way, and drive that way.’
Questioner: Then leave the driving to her. There will be no hassle.
Questioner: Then she will say, I don’t have the courage.
Questioner: Then ask her why she has to interfere. “Is my driving hurting you in any way? You are criticizing me because I am your husband. Would you criticize our chauffer this way? If you do he will resign and then you will have a problem.”
Questioner: If we do not take the wife’s side, there will be a fight.
Questioner: You have to take the wife’s side; there is nothing wrong in taking her side. If you take her side, then only you will have a peaceful night, otherwise how would you be able to sleep? Here you should not employ your intellect like a lawyer.
Questioner: You should not take the neighbor’s side in a dispute with the wife, should you?
Questioner: No, you should always take the side of your wife and not the neighbor’s in any dispute, even if your wife is at fault. Take care of those in your own home first. Even if your wife is guilty, you should be defending her. There you do not need to look for justice and accuse her of wrongdoing. You have to eat and sleep here only. You should plead the case of your own family.
Questioner: How can one say that the other party has been satisfied? The opposition may be satisfied but what if there is harm in it for them?
Questioner: That is not your look out. If there is harm in it for them, it is their lookout. You should consider what is good or bad for others but do you really have the ability to do this? You are not able to see what is good or bad for your own self. Why are you looking for the good or the bad for others? Each individual looks for what is good for him according to his own capacity. There should not be any discord for the good of the other person.
Questioner: When we try for closure of a conflict with someone, and we know that the result is not going to be satisfactory, what should we do?
Questioner: The results may be anything, but all we have to do is decide that: I want a closure. Make a decision to do that. Decide to settle with equanimity. Then do not be concerned whether closure occurs or not. It will happen. If not today, it will happen some day. If it is sticky, it may take two, three or five years. The accounts with wife, children and parents are very sticky and complex. Therefore closure with them will take longer. These relatives are always with us. Here settlement will take time. But if you have decided that you do want to settle with equanimity, then one day it will settle. It will come to an end. (240)
UNWIND THE STRINGS OF BONDAGE WITH
WIFE IN THIS MANNER
A man came to me and I saw him crying. What is the matter, I asked. “My young wife has died recently and I cannot forget her. I have two young children,” was his reply. How long were you married, I asked. “Exactly twelve years today,” he replied. I asked him, “If you had met her in a bus twelve and a half years ago, would you have had any feelings for her?” “No”, he said.
Don’t people sit in the chori (a canopy under which Hindu marriage ceremony is conducted) when getting married? As he sits in the chori, he looks at her, “Yes, this is my wife.” He winds the first turn. ‘My wife, my wife, my wife, my wife…’the moment he sat down to get married, he has kept on winding in this manner, and that winding continues till this moment, so how many turns has he wound? Now how is he going to unwind from these turns? These are the turns of mamta (attachment)? (244)
Now you have to keep on reciting, “Not mine, not mine, and not mine. This woman is not mine, she is not mine”. This way the turns will unwind. If you have wound it fifty thousand times by saying, “mine, mine, mine,” then by saying, “not mine, not mine, not mine”, fifty thousand times, and you will become free. What is this meaningless obsession?
So then what did he do? For three days he kept on saying ‘she is not mine, she is not mine, she is not mine’. And he stopped crying. His grief vanished. All these are merely turns that we have entwined and it is due to these turns that we suffer. All such suffering is false. Do you understand what I am saying? Now who is going to show you such a simple straightforward way? (245)
All day long you should continue doing pratikramans of your husband. In just one day, six months worth of ill feelings will be destroyed. Even if you do it for half a day, at least three months will be cleared. Did you have any attachment with your husband before you got married? No. So when did this attachment start? It was decided when the two of you were sitting across from each other under the wedding canopy and you thought, “This is my husband. He is a little plump and dark skinned”. And then he too, decided ‘This is my wife’. From that moment onwards these turns of ‘my, my’ had started. And this film has been going on for fifteen years, and it will only unwind, if you say ‘he is not mine, he is not mine’. Only then this false attachment will end. These opinions have arisen from the time of your marriage. Prejudices have arisen as to ‘he’s like this, he’s like that’. Was this ever there before? Now you have to decide ‘Whatever he is like, he is the only one for me’. And you yourself have selected him. Is it appropriate for you to ask for a different husband now?
RECOGNITION OF THE HIGHEST LOVE
In worldly life if someone were to say, “Isn’t a woman’s love worth appreciating?” Then I would explain; the love, which increases or decreases, is not true love at all. Her love will increase a lot when you buy her a pair of diamond earrings, then it will go down if you refuse to buy her a diamond ring. This is not love.
Questioner: So in the absence of increase or decrease, what is the nature of real love?
Questioner: Real love does not increase or decrease. In all events and situations real love remains the same. What happens here is that your love will remain as long as they are doing your work, and it will break when they don’t do any work for you. How can you call that love? Where there is no selfishness, you will find pure love. Where will you find no selfishness? Where there is no, ‘mine or yours’. And where there is Gnan (knowledge of the Real Self), there is no ‘mine or yours’! There is always ‘mine-yours’, where there is no “Gnan”. (254)
All these are ‘wrong beliefs’. ‘I am Chandubhai’, is a wrong belief. Then when we go to his house, we ask, “Who is this?” he would say, “Did you not recognize me? I am this woman’s husband.” All these are wrong beliefs. Why do you want to be her boss? What is wrong in saying she is my ‘companion’?
Questioner: Dada, you just used a very modern word.
Questioner: What then? Only then will these arguments stop. When two companions live in one room, they share all the chores. That is how the companionship is maintained.
Questioner: Is there any attachment between companions?
Questioner: The force and power of words used is to be recognized. Companionship is a word with less attachment and attraction. When one uses the words like wife and husband there is a very strong built in force of attachment and attraction.
One gentleman had lost his wife twenty years ago. A young boy came to me and asked me, “Shall I make this uncle cry?” I asked him, “How are you going to do that? He would not cry at this age.” He replied, “Just wait and see how sensitive he is.” Then he started to tell the gentleman, ‘Sir what a lady your wife was, what a great personality she had.” When he said this, the old man started to cry. What a foolish man, he still cries about his wife at the age of sixty. What kinds of fools are these? People also cry at the movies, don’t they? If in a movie, someone dies, the one who is watching the movie cries.
Questioner: So why can’t we get rid of this sense of attachment?
Questioner: You cannot get rid of it. What you have created by saying ‘mine, mine’ can only be undone by saying ‘not mine, not mine’. All the turns you have created will have to be unwound. So this is all attachment. There is no such thing as real life element in all these. All these are wound up toys. (258)
And wherever there is attachment, there is bound to be accusations. That is the nature of attachment. Accusations like: ‘You are like this and you are like that’. Don’t these people say such things? Don’t they say such things in your town? They say such thing because of attachment.
These girls choose their husbands after close scrutiny. But later on they get angry with them. Don’t they quarrel? Then you cannot call that love at all, can you? Love should be unwavering. Whenever you see it, it is the same love. That is where you will find consolation. Here you may have love for her and if the next day she is pouting, then you will feel, “The hell with this love. Dump it in the sewer!” What are you going to do with the kind of love that makes one go around sulking?
Human nature is such that wherever there is love with attachment and expectations, conditional love; abhorrence and repulsion exist as undercurrent.
When the couple is on the way to see a movie, there is mutual excitement from attraction. The repulsion starts on the way home after the movie. They both get into a fight. He’ll say, “You have no sense,” and she will say, “And what wisdom do you have?” In this manner they both come home talking and arguing. He looks for sense and she is looking for wisdom. (265)
One improves with real love. All these people have felt my love and have improved. Love is my real nature, and hence there is no scope for discord. Even a trace of revulsion will ruin everything. (265)
Questioner: Please explain the difference between real love and love associated with attachment.
Questioner: The love that goes beyond its natural boundary is love of attachment and attraction. This is what the world calls love. It is a state of temporary attraction subject to repulsion.
This attraction and so-called love is like the attraction between a magnet and a sewing needle. There is no such thing as love in it. The inner force that draws him to a woman is similar to the attraction between a needle and a magnet. Not being aware of this he thinks that it is love that is pulling him. Real love exists in the heart of a Gnani, the Awakened One. (269)
Pure Love is The Absolute Self. There is no other definition of the Absolute Self. And that is the only location where final peace and harmony exists. That is the only place where the heart will rest. The heart will be soothed in two ways, through a woman, and through a Gnani. The woman will make you slip into the world. The Gnani will free you from the world and liberate you forever.
Love, which is free from anger, pride, greed, and attachment; which is beyond any identification with sex, which remains constant, which neither decreases nor increases, is called pure love. This is the love of the Gnani. This is where the heart rests. (271)
I am the embodiment of pure love. If you become intoxicated with this love, you will forget the world. Find this love, feel its intoxication and your world will run smoothly and harmoniously. (272).
Hiraba lost one of her eyes in 1943. She was suffering from glaucoma. The doctors tried to correct this condition and in the process damaged her eye. (274)
So people started thinking ‘Now we have a new groom. Lets get him married again’. At that time there were many prospective brides. The parents of a bride had only one wish, no matter what the groom was like, they should at least get their daughter married. A Patel from Bhadran, (Dada’s town), approached me; his wife’s brother had a daughter. I asked him what he wanted; he said, “You have just had a mishap.” Now in the year 1944 I was thirty-six years old. I asked him why he had come to me. He replied, “First of all, Hiraba has lost her eye and in addition to that you do not have any children’. I told him, “I don’t have any children and I do not have any estate.” I do not have an estate in Baroda, which I can offer. If I had an estate, then at least it would be of use if I passed it down to the children. I have a little bit of land and a roof overhead. I asked ‘Why are you asking me all this. The day I married Hiraba, I had made a promise to her. So if she has lost one eye, what can be done now? Even if she lost both her eyes, I would hold her hand and guide her.
Questioner: After marriage, both of us got to know each other better, and now we feel that we made an error of judgment in choosing each other. We are incompatible with each other. What should do we do to become compatible with each other so that we can be happy?
Dadashri: Whatever you have said so far, every sentence is false. In the first sentence you said that you both got to know each other better after marriage. This is not true. You have not understood anything. If you did understand each other, there would be no problems.
I stopped all discord in my marriage after eliminating my interfering intellect. Only then I came to really know my wife. When did I come to understand Hiraba? When I was sixty years old. I got married at the age of fifteen. For forty five years I maintained a very close observation, there after I came to understand what she was like.
Dadashri: Yes! After I attained Gnan, I came to understand her. Otherwise one will not be able to understand. A person does not have the capacity to understand or see his wife. A man is not able to understand himself, as to what he is all about, let alone the wife. Therefore this sentence ‘we understood each other’ has no meaning. No mistake was made in choosing each other. (276)
Questioner: Explain to me how I should come to understand. How can one slowly and subtly understand her with love? How can a husband do that for his wife, explain this.
Dadashri: When can you understand? It is when you make her your equal. Next, give her space. When one plays the game of checkers, you enjoy the game only when both sides have equal rights in taking turns. But here where do they give equal rights? I give equal rights.
Dadashri: Even in your mind you should not regard her as a separate entity, and she should not feel separate from you. Even when her speech is inappropriate, you should treat her as an equal. In this manner you will not bring any pressure on her.
So try to recognize the other person’s prakriti (inherent characteristics/tendencies). Then try to find some other ways that can help you. Don’t I try different methods to get people to do things? Don’t people do as I tell them? They do and it is not because I have the skills, but because I use different methods. They do not feel they are under any pressure.
Even if you do not like staying at home, you have to tell her , “I do not like being away from you.” Only then will you be able to attain liberation. Now that you have met Dada, you will definitely attain liberation.
Dadashri: Yes, I say that to Hiraba, even now.
Even at my age I say this to Hiraba, “Even I do not like it when I am away from you.” Now she probably would be asking herself, “I like it, why does he not like it?” When you speak in this manner, then your home life will be full of harmony. Pour some butter on it, enrich your life with your wife, otherwise it will be too dry. Pour in some beautiful feelings. Here she is sitting, as I speak. She asks me, “Do I come in your thoughts?” I say, “Yes, very much. All these other folks come to my mind, why not you?” And really, she is in my thoughts. (278)
Our life is ideal. Even Hiraba will say to me, “Come home early.”
When can one be said to have fulfilled the role of a husband? It is when the wife develops a constant reverence for him. What should a husband be like? He should never ever let any difficulties befall the wife or the children. And what should the wife be like? She should never cause problems for him. She should be constantly living with this awareness.
When husband and wife are fighting verbally, it is generally superficial. They do not harbor any vengeance from within. And if you interfere with them, you will get into problems, whereas they will unite with each other. When a fight does not result in separation it is merely parrot talk and parrot fighting. I would instantly recognize that these two are in a parrot fight and it is not necessary to take them seriously. (287)
One hour of intense scolding of a servant, son or wife will result in them becoming a bossy husband or a bossy mother-in-law for you for a future lifetime of misery. Justice is always there. You cannot avoid this suffering. If you create misery for anyone, you will get the same dose back. An hour’s worth of misery given to the others, results in a lifetime of pain for you. Then you shout, “My wife is no good, she nags me.” The wife may wonder why she is the cause of your misery too. She suffers too. But there is no way out. Then I ask him, “Did you find your wife or did she find you?” He replies that he chose her. Then why blame her? I ask. It is not her fault if later you find her unsuitable. Where can she go?
Questioner: Would things be resolved if one stops talking in order to bring the matter to an end?
Dadashri: No, they would not. If you meet that person, you should ask them how they are doing. If the other person is acting up a little and is being loud and aggressive, then you should maintain your calmness and solve the matter with equanimity. Sooner or later, you will have to deal with it. If you stop talking, does it mean that things have been resolved? It is because the problems are not solved that people stop talking. When people stop talking, it means there is a burden, a burden of not being able to solve their problems. You should immediately stop them and ask them, “Tell me if I have made a mistake. I make a lot of mistakes. You are very educated and clever and so you don’t make too many mistakes, but I am less educated so I make a lot of mistakes!” You have to talk to him in this manner so that he will be happy and come around.
Questioner: Even when you say this, if he does not come around, then what should we do?
Dadashri: If he does not soften, then what can we do? You just do your best and be free from your side. What other solution is there? One day he will soften. If you try to soften him by telling him off, it will not work. Today he may appear to have softened but he will make a mental note and then one day when you become soft, he will bring up everything. So this world is full of vengeance. It is the law of nature that every living being will harbor some vengeance. They will retain the atoms of this vengeance. So you should always try to solve all conflicts to conclusion. (294)
Dadashri: Yes you should, but only if the other person accepts it whole-heartedly. Otherwise what is the point of barking like a dog? Therefore whatever you say should be acceptable to the other person.
Dadashri: Whether he lies or not, that is not our look out. Whether he speaks the truth or lies, is his responsibility.
Questioner: If we do not know how to say it, then should we just keep quiet?
Dadashri: Remain silent and see what happens. What do you do when you see children falling in a movie? Everyone has the right to say something, but his or her right is only to the point where it will not cause more friction and clash. It is foolish to say anything that exacerbates a problem. (295)
When your words are filled with real love even if you scold them, they will not be hurt.
Questioner: Yes, that is of importance.
Dadashri: There is nothing wrong in telling people off, when you are free from weakness of attachment and abhorrence. It is this weakness that is the problem. (297)
Questioner: If we don’t want to start any fighting or arguments in the home whatsoever, but the people in the household start one daily and frequently, then what should we do?
Dadashri: You should become ‘fight-proof’. If you become ‘fight-proof’ then will you be able to live in this world with peace. I will make you ‘fight-proof’. You should become so ‘fight-proof’ that even the person that comes to fight with you, gets tired and gives up. No one in this world can depress you. You have to become that way. If you become ‘fight-proof’, then there are no problems. If others want to fight or swear at you, even then there will be no objection. No one will call you indifferent. On the contrary, your jagruti (internal awareness of Gnan) will increase.
Whatever disputes were created in the past life have lead to vengeance, and today it dissipates in the form of a dispute or disagreement. At the time of argument, a seed of revenge is planted, which will grow in the next life.
Dadashri: Slowly and steadily if you keep on settling with equanimity you can prevent new seeds from being sown. If the causal karma is very heavy, you have to be patient because it will take time to resolve. You have to do a lot of pratikraman. Nobody will take anything away from you. You have a cloth on your back, you get two meals a day what else do you need? They may lock you up before they go! But you still get fed two meals a day. That is the kind of vengeance that was created in the past life, and that was due to ignorance. All results and fruits of acts done in ignorance have to be suffered.
Now in order to let go of all the vengeance, come to me and take this Gnan of Self-Realization. All vengeance will be dissolved. You have to let go of all the vengeance and negative feelings in this very lifetime. I will show you the way. (302)
When the mosquitoes bite you those insects are much better than the husband who bites his wife and the wife who bites her husband. All this is very tough. Do they bite or not?
Questioner: Yes, they do.
Dadashri: So that biting needs to stop. The mosquito will bite and leave after its stomach is filled. But the wife is constantly biting her husband. One man said to me, “My wife is biting me like a snake.” You fool! Then why did you marry this snake? You have to be a snake in order to marry a snake. (303)
It would not matter if after the arguments, you were not to have anything to do with her. But you still have to speak to her again. So anything said in between is wrong. I know that two hours later, we have to talk again. So I don’t argue. It would be fine if you did not have to change your opinion. If our opinion is never to change, then go ahead and fight. If you are never going to sit down and have dinner together, then fight. What happened to the scene you created yesterday? Should you not think about that? (304)
The husband should be the first to apologize. The husband by nature has a more forgiving nature. Do you understand what I am saying?
Questioner: Since you said the husband has a more forgiving nature, he is pleased.
Dadashri: No, men really do have a broad and forgiving mind. They have a very open mind and women are more natural and spontaneous in their acts. This means that if it comes to their mind from within to ask for forgiveness, they will. If it does not arise in their mind, they will not apologize. But if you as a husband initiate and ask for forgiveness, then she will also immediately follow suit. You as a husband are not a slave to the unfolding karma. You are dependant upon your jagruti (awareness), and she is dependent upon her unfolding karma. Women are spontaneous and natural. Such natural spontaneity is not a trait of men. If it becomes your nature, you will be very happy. (305)
Questioner: Ego is wrong. Everyone knows it. They all emphasize it. Time and again we hear it. All scriptures and religious teachers preach this. Despite this, why does this ego not go?
Dadashri: When will ego leave? When we accept the fact that it is wrong, then only it will leave. If you are fighting with your wife, then you should understand that your ego is wrong. So everyday through that very ego, you should ask for her forgiveness, from within. Then the ego will go away. You will have to find a solution, will you not? (306)
I am showing you this straightforward path. Besides, these arguments don’t occur on a daily basis, do they? They happen according to the unfolding of our karma, and you just need to adjust accordingly. After a fight with your wife, take her out to dinner and make her happy. From now on, no continuity in sulking, inner grudge should remain.
So now that you have this Gnan, that problem will not remain. If you have Gnan, then you will see the ‘Real’ in your wife, first thing in the morning. You will have to see the God in your wife, will you not? If you can see Dada in your wife, then salvation is yours. When you look at your wife, can you see Dada? When you can see the Soul within her. Then salvation is yours. (307)
So adjust in any way you can. Time will pass and your accounts will be cleared. You will have to honor your debit accounts of past life karma. For some it may take twenty-five years, some may take fifteen years and some may take thirty years. You don’t have a choice. Even if you don’t like it, you will have to stay within the same room. Her bed is on one side and yours on the other. Even if you turn around and face the other direction, both of you will have thoughts of each other. There is no way out. This whole world is like this.
And it is not just that you don’t like her, she doesn’t like you either. So this world is not such that you can extract any real enjoyment out of it.
Don’t look at laws, please settle. Settle any conflict with equanimity. Where do we have the time to tell the other person, “Do it this way, settle it this way”. Even if the other person has made a hundred mistakes, you have to consider it your fault and just move on. There is no time to lose in fighting with worldly laws even if you are right. In this day and age, one cannot look at the law. This is a very serious matter. You are at the end of your rope of infinite lives. Such an opportunity will not come again. (308)
Dadashri: A wise man would refuse to quarrel even if someone gave him a million rupees. And here they quarrel without getting paid. If that is not foolishness, then what is it? Lord Mahavir had to walk sixty miles and go to an area of primitive people to fulfill his karma, but today all these fortunate people do not have to venture out of their homes to settle their karma. How fortunate they are. All this is very beneficial for settling one’s karma, providing one knows how to conduct him self.
If someone in the household asks you a question or asks for your advice, only then should you give an answer. The Lord has said that to give advice without being asked is egotistical. A husband should ask the wife where to stack the water glasses and she will tell him. But he in turn argues with her and tells her she has no sense and that it is not the right place. She will then reply, “That is why I told you to put them there because I don’t have any sense. Now you use your own sense and put them wherever you want.” How can you solve this type of discord? All these are just mere clashes of circumstances. These tops (Dada has called all human beings ‘tops’. The toys that spin as the string around them is unwound with a jerk. We are all spinning in this life as our karma from the past life dissipate) are clashing as they eat or as they wake up. These tops then become bruised and even bleed. This is all mental bleeding. A bleeding wound is preferable because you can stop it with a bandage. But you cannot put any dressing on these mental injuries. (311)
You cannot attain moksha if you insult anyone in your family, or any living being. Insult with abhorrence is very dangerous. It will surely impede your liberation. There are varying degrees of insults. There is a mild internal repulsion and internal hate, which is not apparent to others. Then there is overt intense insult with abhorrence, which causes severe mental wounds for which you have to suffer a lot in the next life.
One lady was telling me that she felt that I was her father from her past life. She was very nice and very cultured. I asked her how she gets along with her husband. She told me that he does not say anything. He is always calm and composed. I asked her surely some day some disagreements must occur. She said no, but that sometimes he would make a cynical comment. I understood. So I asked what she did when he made the sarcastic comments, would she strike back at him? She replied, “No, I tell him that we are together due to the unfolding of our karma. I am separate and you are separate. So why are you doing this? Why do you have to make sarcastic comments and what is all this about? No one is at fault here. It is the fault of the unfolding of the karma. So instead of making sarcastic comments, why don’t you settle your karma with equanimity? Why should we clash?” I have seen many women, but this is the only woman I have seen with such elevated understanding. (315)
My inherent qualities are that of a kshatriya (warrior, kingly class). I have it in me to protect those who are under me and who are under my shelter and I am not afraid of taking on my superiors or people in power above me. This is the main quality of a kshatriya. I always protect my wife and servants who depend on me, even when they are at fault. I would not tell the poor man anything and if it was someone above me, I would fight with him. The world generally harasses the people who are subordinates. You idiot! Are you a woman? A woman treats a subordinate in this manner. What do you think of this? (317)
We get married and bring her home. And then we keep scolding her. What is this akin to? It is like tying a cow to a pole and then flogging it. What if you were to tie her up to a pole and you kept on hitting her? If you hit her from one side, the poor thing will go to the other side. Where will she go if she is tied up? This ‘pole’ of the society is such that she would not be able to escape. If you hit someone who is tied up, you create tremendous misery for your life to come. What if she was not tied down and then you were to hit her? That is different and it would not be so serious. If she were not tied down then she would be able to escape. But here she has the pressure of the society and therefore she cannot go anywhere, otherwise she would be long gone. Try to hit her after getting a divorce. What would happen? (318)
A true husband is one who never has any discord with his wife. Just as you would not let anything come between you and your friend, in the same manner you should take care here also. If you do not look out for your friend, your friendship will end. Friendship means friendship. You have to challenge her, “In this friendship of ours, if you break this friendship, then you will be at fault. Let us unite in friendship.”
There is so much sincerity with a friend, that the friend would say, “My friend is great. He would never have a single negative thought about me.” In that same manner you cannot think badly of her also. Is she not considered more than a friend? (322)
SHE WILL AVENGE YOU WITH A SLEDGE HAMMER
Why does she behave like this? It is because she wants to put you under her thumb. And if you get angry, she will know that you have become weak. But if you don’t get angry, then she would try harder.’ Despite causing such rows, if he does not get angry, then she would go into the kitchen and throw a few utensils around to make noise. Bang, bang!! When he hears that noise he gets upset. If he does not get upset, even at this point, then she would pinch their little toddler and make him cry. Then he will get angry, the daddy-o! ‘You are after our son now, why are you bringing our son in the middle of this?’ Then she will know, ‘Ah ha! Now he is defeated!’ (323)
Men forget the events, whereas women will keep a note of them for their entire life. Men are naive, they are open minded, and forgiving. They will forget easily. The women on the other hand will tell you, “On that day this is what you said to me. It hurt me deeply in my heart.” Heavens! Even after twenty years, her memory is so fresh. Your son is now twenty years old. He is old enough to get married, and even then she still hangs on to that incident? Everything else will rot, but this mental note of hers will not. When you hurt a woman, she will keep it in a special place, in her heart, so never hurt her. You must be very cautious in this matter. (326)
Whenever you hurt a woman with your words, you are inviting a liability for your future. She will tolerate you now because you are stronger than her, but later when you are weak and all your joints are creaking she will take revenge. So watch out. I have witnessed this a lot. That is why I give advice to people, “Don’t fight, you fool, don’t fight with your wife. Do not bind any vengeance with your wife; otherwise you will create grave difficulties. (328)
By their true nature our women are like goddesses. The worldly interactions defile their true nature, and they become dangerous. There is the potential in her to go into an explosive rage if she is instigated or hurt excessively. Hence the saying, it is easy to play with and please a woman, but when she gets angry she is a terror. When she gets angry she is like a lioness. We should not take things this far. We should look at the limitations. And if you keep harassing the poor woman, where will she go? And that is why she gets angry. Her anger response is of varying intensity from mild to extreme. (332)
When a woman is in a state of explosive rage, your intellect will not help you. Your intellect will not be able to control her. So speak to her in a manner that does not aggravate her. Keep real love in your eyes. If at any time she says the wrong things, still she is a woman, and you need to let it go. So have total love in one eye and in the other you need to maintain a little sternness. You should live in this manner. Use either, according to the circumstances. You cannot be completely strict all day long. In one eye you maintain strictness and with the other eye view her as a goddess. Like a goddess, do you understand?
Questioner: Strictness in one eye and a goddess in the other eye, how can you keep it this way at the same time?
Dadashri: A man is capable of all that. When I was about thirty years old, whenever I came home, Hiraba would be visiting with other ladies. Not only Hiraba but also all the other ladies would see in my eyes, strictness in one and reverence in the other. The ladies would be sitting with their faces under a veil. But they would all stiffen up. Even Hiraba, she would be scared before I entered the home. The minute she heard my shoes, she became scared. Maintain strictness in one eye and love in the other eye. A woman cannot live without this control and love from a man. That is why Hiraba used to say, “Goodness, just look at what Dada is like!”
Questioner: Very hot tempered.
Dadashri: Show of a hot temper. I used to keep this up all the time. But you don’t have to scare her unnecessarily. As soon as I entered, everything became quiet. Everything cools down, the instant my footsteps are heard.
Why the strictness? It is to prevent her from falling in life. That is why you should have the look of control in one eye and love in the other. (336)
I am often accused of taking the side of the wife. Now what I am trying to say is that you praise a woman, but that does not mean that you need to do her aarti (devotional ritual) in the morning. If you do that then she will tear and wear you down. What do I mean by this? I tell you to have sternness in one eye and love in the other eye. So do not put her on a pedestal. She does not have those qualities. But praise her with your mind. (343)
Questioner: You have spoken about the men, but what should the women do, what should the women have in their two eyes?
Dadashri: For the women, whatever her husband is like, she has to accept him as her own account. It is not by coincidence that one acquires a husband. So whatever your husband is like, your efforts should be put into becoming a devoted wife. And if you are not able to do this, then ask for his forgiveness. But your aim should be this. You should be focused on how you can progress further in your partnership with your husband. How you will attain a higher level? How you will both attain moksh?
So tell your wife, “You can fight with me as much as you want. Dada has told me not to fight. Dada has given me this command. I am going to sit here, you can say whatever you want to say.”
Questioner: Then she will remain quiet.
Dadashri: When she hears Dada’s name, she will remain silent. She will shut up when Dada’s name is raised. There is no other weapon. Use this weapon freely.
A lady once said to me “When I got married my husband was very dominant.’ I asked, “How is it now?” She proceeded, “Dada, you know all about a woman’s behavior, why are you making me say it. When he wants some happiness from me, I tell him to address me as master. In this way I make him do what I want. What fault is it of mine? Before he used to make me call him master, and now I make him say it.”
When an officer in a powerful position comes home after a frustrating day at the office, what will his wife say? “You are an hour and half late! Where have you been?” Just look at this. His wife was telling him off one day. A person with lion likes qualities, whom the whole state of Gujarat fears, was being scolded like a child. Nobody dare cross him, and yet his own wife does not respect him. And in addition she even reprimands him. So one day I told her, “What if this husband of yours were to leave you alone and go out of town for a fortnight or so?” She said she would be scared. Now what is she scared of? So she tells me “When I hear a noise in the other room, I think that there maybe is a ghost there”. Even if a mouse knocks something over she is scared. But you are not scared if your husband is around. And yet you keep on nagging and scolding him, to the point where he feels like nothing. The lion of a husband is made into a sheep. (355)
One man purchased a mare for three thousand rupees. Everyday he used to sit on the horse. One day his twenty-four year old son rode the mare to the local pond. He teased the horse a little. Now this is a mare worth three thousand rupees, is she supposed to be teased? One cannot tease her; you have to let her walk in her own style and pace. When the son teased her, she quickly got up and as she did that, the young man fell down. So what did he say when he got home, “Sell this horse, the horse is bad”. He is the one who does not know how to sit on the horse and he is blaming the horse? The definition of a dominant husband is the one who blames the horse because he cannot ride it well. The horse here is the wife. Should you not know how to treat her?
If a husband becomes confrontational with his wife even just once, then her respect for him will decrease. If your household is running smoothly, the children are doing well in school, you have no other botheration, and yet you scold and find faults with her, then your wife will lose respect for you. She will know that you have no substance. (356)
You do not know how to deal with the ladies. If you, as a shopkeeper, do not know how to deal with the customers, they will not come to you. Don’t our people say, “Keep a good salesman?” If the salesman is good, handsome and clever, then people will even pay a little bit more. In the same manner we should know how to conduct our dealings with the wife. (357)
It is because of the presence of the woman, that this world has warmth and joy in it. Otherwise in your household you would be worse than a hermit. The cleaning and sweeping would not be done in the morning. There would be no signs of tea, or breakfast. And it is only upon the instructions of the wife, that one does take a timely bath. It is because of her that there is a glow and warmth in the home. And her joy is because of him. (358)
Women have a tremendous strength of tolerance for pain and suffering. Even when times are very difficult and there is grave suffering, she will tell her husband, “Don’t be afraid, just go to sleep, why are you making yourself unhappy?” She will pacify him.
A woman by nature is spontaneous and natural. When the husband has a loss of five hundred thousand dollars or so, he will worry the whole daylong. If his business is running at a loss, he will not eat properly. But a woman on the other hand, will tell him to stop worrying unnecessarily. She will tell him to eat properly. Now she is also a fifty percent partner in the business. Why does she not worry? It is because she is sahaj (spontaneous and natural). So when you live with sahaj people, then you will survive, otherwise you will not. If there were two men living together, on the other hand, they would not find any meaningful comfort from being with each other. The woman is sahaj, and it is because of her presence that there is joy in the home. (359)
The woman is a Goddess of strength. If a man can understands this, his life work would be done. The woman is not at fault, it is the fault of man’s wrong understanding. The women are Goddesses. Do not try to make them any lesser. You should say she is a Goddess. You may even call her ‘Devi (Goddess).’ In the north, in many places they address their women as ‘Devi’. Even nowadays, they say, “Shardadevi has come, or Manidevi has come.” Don’t they say that in certain places? (360)
And if there were four men living together, one of them would cook, the other has some other assigned task etc., that household would be useless and no fun to live in. If one man and one woman live together, then that home will be beautiful. Women really know how to make things beautiful.
Questioner: Don’t keep siding with just the women, Dada.
Dadashri: I am not siding with the women. I am really siding with the men, but the women think that I am siding with them, but really I am siding with the men, because you are the head of the family. She is not the owner of the family, you are. In Bombay people ask me why do you not side with the men, why do you side with the women? I reply, Lord Mahavir was born of a woman, who are you going to give birth to? You people are making a big issue without any cause.
Questioner: Still, you are partial towards the women. This is what we believe.
Dadashri: Yes. People have accused me of that, but at the same time I raise the men up so high, that even the women start to respect them. I arrange things in such a way. If you look at it on the surface, it appears that I am siding with the women, but from within I root for the men. So there have to be ways to arrange things. Both parties need to be satisfied.
I get along very well with the women, and also with the men. I neither side with men nor do I side with women. Both have to be equally responsible. People in the past have made women inferior. How would your household run if the woman were not there?
If you complain you will become a complainer. If anyone comes to me complaining about someone, I consider him as a guilty party. Why has the time arisen for you to complain? Most complainers are usually the perpetrators of the crime. Being the wrongdoer himself, he comes to complain. If you complain, you will become the complainer and the opposite person will be the accused. In his eyes you will become the accuser. So never make a complaint against anyone.
If the other person is multiplying the conflict by complaints and discord, you should use division and try to achieve peace by settling with equanimity. To spend time thinking why a person caused hurt to you is a grave mistake. Why do you not get angry at a wall, which you collide with by accident? All that collides are the wall or the trees. When a cow tramples on your foot, do you scold it? The same too applies to all these people. How does the Gnani Purush forgive everyone? He knows that all of these people are like the wall and the tree. They do not understand. The ones who understand need not be told anything because they immediately do pratikramans.
What do you do when your husband insults you? Do you start a claim against him?
Questioner: No that is not right.
Dadashri: Then what do you do? Do you go to bed saying, ‘I bless you?’ Or do you keep on cursing him in your mind?
Generally there is a lot of cursing going on within.
And if her eyes fall on a sari worth three thousand rupees in the show room on the way back to your home, she becomes depressed and her face shows that she is unhappy. When one asks what happened it is apparent that she is lost in the thoughts of the sari. Then the only way to release the frown on her face is to buy her the sari. Until then all kinds of subtle discord will continue in the home. This is not how married life should be.
The wife may say to you, “I don’t like the design of our sofas. The sofa your friend has is much nicer!” You ask her, “You don’t like our sofa anymore?” She will reply “No. Since I saw the other sofa, I like that one better”. So now the husband has to buy a sofa just like his friend’s. After having bought the new sofa, if the child cuts the sofa by accident, when she finds out about the damage, it will be as if her soul has been cut. Children will cause damage, will they not? They may even jump on the sofa, is that not true? And while they are jumping, it may seem to her that the children are jumping on her chest. This is all moha (attachment). This moha will eat you alive and make you suffer. (367)
This whole life of yours will be wasted in such matters. Furthermore I am telling all the ladies not to go shopping. They need to put a stop to all their shopping. Simply because they have the money… Why do you buy things when you do not need to? It is useless. Should you not be spending the money on something worthwhile? If someone has a hardship in his family and they do not have any money, then wouldn’t it be nice to give them fifty to a hundred dollars? Why throw money away unnecessarily over things that create problems at home? (367)
Questioner: Then the women throw extreme tantrums. They get crabby.
Dadashri: Men also throw extreme tantrums. Even I threw an extreme tantrum once, don’t you know?
There are not a lot of extreme tantrums nowadays. What is an extreme tantrum? If one wants to enjoy something, one will do so even at the cost of a severe angry outburst against the other. Such tantrums are done to make others do what one wishes.
Questioner: Why is it that everywhere the women are blamed and not the men?
Dadashri: For the women it is like this: The men used to control the laws so the women have been victimized.
Men have written the books and so the importance has been given to the husband. The women have not been given any recognition. These people have done away with any importance of women. Now, the men have also suffered in the process. These very people go to hell. From here they go directly to hell. The women do not have this result. They are spontaneous and natural by nature. They are not as awakened in spiritual matters as are men. Their suffering is not as severe as a consequence of their nature. (371)
Dadashri: Through tolerance the inner power will increase tremendously.
Questioner: So does that mean one just has to go on tolerating?
Dadashri: Instead of tolerating, it is better to think about things: Bring about a solution by thinking things through. Besides toleration is a fault. When there is too much tolerance, then one bounces back like a coiled spring, and that will create chaos in the household. Tolerance is like a spring. One should not place any load on a spring, at any time. It is fine up to a certain extent to use that spring, when you have to deal with other people. But you should not put any load on that spring with the people in your home. What will happen if you tolerate the people of the house? The spring will bounce back.
Dadashri: One should tolerate up to a certain limit only. After which one has to think about the facts involved. If you think about it, then you will come to realize the causes behind it all. If you just tolerate alone, then the spring will bounce back. It is necessary to think. It is when one does not think, that one has to tolerate. If you think, then you will understand where the mistakes are. That will bring about a solution. There is tremendous power within. Tremendous power! Whatever strength you ask for will be granted. But one does not look for that strength within, instead he is looking for it outside. What strength is there on the outside?
It is because of this tolerating, that every household has disputes. People go around believing, ‘Look how much I have to tolerate’. A solution has to be brought about by thinking things through. Whatever events come your way; all are nature’s creation, so how will you escape them? If you want to settle up vengeance from the past, and not create any new vengeance, then you need to find a way out. This life is for untying all ties of revenge from the past life. And there is a way to do this. It is to settle with equanimity with everyone. Your children then will have such good upbringing. (372)
Questioner: My friend has asked this question. Her husband is always getting angry with her, what is the reason behind this?
Dadashri: That is good, it is better that the husband gets angry rather than others. After all he is one of your own.
What do these blacksmiths do when they have a piece of steel they want to bend? They heat it, and when heated bright red they hammer it, and it bends. We can mold it into any shape we want. This is so with human beings too. If he gets hot, he will bend. The angrier he becomes the weaker he is and the more vulnerable to molding. And so when he becomes weak, with a couple of strokes of the hammer, she can mold that husband into whatever design she wants.
Questioner: What kind of a design, Dada? What do I do with him once he is under my control?
Dadashri: You can have whatever design you want. She can turn her husband into a parrot. He will repeat whatever she says. He can become just like a parrot, but people do not know how to mold with a hammer. All these are weaknesses in people. To get angry is a weakness. (373)
If you were walking along and a rock falls from a building and hits you on the head, and you start to bleed. At that moment do you get angry?
Questioner: No, that just happens.
Dadashri: No, but why is it that you do not get angry in this situation? It is because you do not see anyone involved here, so how can you get angry?
Questioner: No one has thrown the stone on purpose.
Dadashri: So we do have control over our anger. Once we know that no one has thrown it on purpose, we are able to control our anger. The control is definitely there. But people say, “Anger overcomes me”. That is wrong! Then why do you stay calm in the other situations? If a policeman were to get angry with you, why is it that you would not get angry with him? You get angry with your wife, with your children, with the neighbors and with those who work under you. Why do you not get angry with your boss? Anger does not overcome a man. This is all because he wants to do everything according to his own expectations. (375)
Questioner: Whether it is at home or amongst friends, if things do not go according to our plan because everyone has different opinions, then why is it that we get angry? What should one do?
Dadashri: If everyone tried to do things according to their expectations, then what would happen? How can one even think such thoughts? One should immediately think that if everyone tries to do things according to his or her expectations, then chaos will result, and then there would be no supper. So do not try to do things according to your own expectations at any time. Do not have any expectations and you will never be disappointed. No expectations means no need to fulfill anything. Whoever has a need will keep an expectation. (376)
Questioner: No matter how silent we remain, if the men still get angry, what should we do?
Dadashri: If he gets angry and if you want to start a quarrel, then even you too should get angry, otherwise put an end to it. If you want to stop the ‘film’, then keep calm. If you don’t want to stop the ‘film’, then continue to fight all night long. Who is preventing you? Do you like such ‘films’?
Questioner: No I don’t like such ‘films’.
Dadashri: What is the use of getting angry? The person himself is not getting angry. The ‘mechanical adjustment’ (the charged complex of thoughts, speech and actions) is getting angry. He himself is not getting angry. Later on he regrets it while thinking that it would have been good if this anger did not take place.
Dadashri: If a machine gets hot, you have to let it cool down. Just leave it alone for a little while and the machine will cool down. But if you disturb it or prod it, you will get burnt.
Questioner: My husband and I get into quarrels and verbal tiffs, so what should we do?
Dadashri: Are you the one that gets angry first, or does he become angry first?
Questioner: He does, but then later on, I do too.
Dadashri: So you have to scold yourself from within. ‘Why are you behaving this way? You have to suffer the consequences of what you have done.’ With pratikraman (repentance) all these offences are erased. Otherwise all the pushing and shoving that we did, will come back to bother us. With pratikraman, things lose their intensity. (377)
Questioner: But should there not be an occasional angry exchange between a husband and a wife?
Dadashri: No. There is no such law. There should be a lot of peace between a husband and a wife. If there is any hurt in a relationship, it cannot be called a husband and wife relationship. It does not even happen between two friends and this is the highest friendship of all. It must not happen here. This is all people’s doing. The people themselves have angry exchanges in their marriage so they say that there is nothing wrong with a little anger in marriage. Anger has no place between a husband and wife at all (378)
Questioner: It is written in our scriptures that the woman should treat her husband like the Lord. And she is to obey and follow his commands. In this day and age, how can we adapt to that?
Dadashri: That is only called for if the husband is like Lord Ram. Then you have to become like Sita. But if he is belligerent and disgusting, and you do not object, then how is it going to work? It would be best if you could live in harmony but this is not feasible. How can one be calm when he keeps pushing and prodding? So what else is the poor wife to do? The husband should adopt conduct becoming of an ideal husband. The wife should adopt conduct as prescribed for an ideal wife. If the husband makes a little mistake, she should endure it. But if he starts to abuse her, what is the poor woman to do?
Questioner: ‘The husband himself is The Supreme Lord’, what is wrong with that?
Dadashri: The husbands of today are such that if they were considered The Lord, they would go around like mad men. (394)
Questioner: Can these husbands be called The Lord? Should we do their darshan (look with reverence) everyday? Should we drink the water with which we wash their feet?
Dadashri: You may address them as The Lord, if they do not die. How can they be called The Lord when they die? How in heavens can they be The Lord?
Questioner: I bow down to my husband everyday.
Dadashri: You must be deceiving him by doing so. Women deceive the men by prostrating in front of them. A husband is a husband and The Lord is The Lord. Where does the husband say that ‘I am The Lord’? All he says is that ‘I am your boss’. He says only this, does he not?
Questioner: Yes, he says only this.
Dadashri: Yes, there is a boss for the cows; there is a boss for everyone. Soul is the only Lord. Pure Soul.
Questioner: Should one drink the water, which we use to clean their feet (charanamrut)?
Dadashri: How can one drink charanamrut of husbands of today? They smell. Even when he sits there, he emits an odor. It was a different matter in the past, when people had a fragrance to them. But husbands today smell, enough to give you a headache! Today you just have to play the role whichever way you can of a husband or a wife.
Questioner: Dada, nowadays no one does this. Especially now that women are educated, they have discarded such practices.
Dadashri: Men have become the Lord. Just look at them, they are the ones who wrote the book, so who is going to question them? They have turned everything on their side. It should not be this way.
Questioner: The women of today do not respect their husbands, as did the women of the past.
Dadashri: Yes, the husbands of the past were like Lord Rama and now they have become Mara! (Ma-ra opposite of Ra-ma) They have no qualities of Lord Rama.
Questioner: What is the wife’s obligation towards her husband? Please explain this.
Dadashri: She should be sincere to her husband. The husband should tell his wife ‘If you become insincere with me, then I will lose my head’. You have to caution her. You have to tell her to beware, but do not put pressure on her that she should remain sincere. You can tell her to beware. One should be sincere for the entire life. Day and night, you should be thinking about him only. You should be concerned about him all the time. Only then will your life together run well.
Questioner: If the husband is not sincere and the wife loses her head, does she bind karma of suffering?
Dadashri: If she loses her head, then she and he, both will suffer. As far as possible, you should not lose your head. If it was not the husband’s intent and he makes a mistake, then he should ask for forgiveness and reassure her that he will not make the same mistake again. A man has to be sincere does he not? How can things work when there is no sincerity?
Questioner: A husband asks for forgiveness repeatedly, but he carries on the affairs with his mistress. What then?
Dadashri: When the husband asks for forgiveness, can you not understand that he is suffering, with helplessness beyond his control? So you have to let go. It is not that he has acquired a habit of doing this. He has not become habituated. He too does not like it, but what can he do? These things happen against his will. Errors are made in this way, are they not?
Questioner: What should one do if the husband has become habituated to such marital infidelity?
Dadashri: What can you do? What then? Can you throw him out? If you throw him out, there will be uproar in the community. On the contrary you have to keep it a secret. What else can you do? Do we cover up our sewers or do we keep them open? So are these gutters to be covered or kept open?
Questioner: They have to be covered.
Dadashri: Otherwise if we keep them open, the foul stench will give you a headache.
Questioner: Why do the women do chandlo (red dot in the center of the forehead)? Many American women ask me why we do chandlo.
Dadashri: This red dot in the middle of the forehead is very close to the inner mind and by wearing it our women have the noble aim of keeping their mind only on their husband. These women will not leave or be insincere to their husband even if they have major clashes. The ones who do not have this chandlo may not remain sincere.
Do you like differences of opinion? When there are differences of opinion, it will create discord. Excess discord results in divorce.
Questioner: In the daily life what is the difference between differences in opinion and differences in thinking?
Dadashri: For all those who have not received the Gnan of Self-Realization, all differences are differences of opinion. For those who are realized, the process of differences in thinking exists. Differences in thinking do not cause hurt. A difference in opinion is the cause of clash and discord.
Questioner: Is it not good to have less difference of opinion?
Dadashri: People who aim to get along with each other should not have any differences of opinion whatsoever. With such differences of opinion, discord and clash is the result and leads to the risk of losing their human values. These differences of opinion result in clash and separation of inner oneness of minds and this is the cause of divorce or a life together filled with misery. (402)
Questioner: Our marriage is in trouble. We clash a lot. We are concerned. Please help us.
Dadashri: That is exactly what I am saying. It is not good. It does not look good to the world. There is no meaning in all this. There is still a chance of improvement. As long as we are in the human body, you have a chance to improve the situation. Why should it be like this anyway? Why create negative public scenes? You will have to understand a little bit at least, will you not? Do you understand? You have to be superficial in these matters. So many of you men have taken up the role of dhani (dominating husbands). You fools! Why are you behaving as if you own your wives? Here you are a husband as long as you are alive, or as long as you are not divorced. You can be divorced tomorrow, and then who will you dominate? (404)
Questioner: Nowadays, many people get divorced. They have small children, and the parents leave them. Are they not liable for the children’s nisaso? (children’s grievance resulting in bad effects in next life)
Dadashri: Yes, they will be liable, but what can they do? Really speaking they should not get divorced. Really they should tolerate each other for the sake of the children. It would not have mattered if they divorced before having children, but if they get divorced after having children, they will have to suffer from the nisaso of the children.
Questioner: If the husband has a mind that does not work, he does not do any work, he does not know how to run the motel, he just stays cooped up within the four walls of the house, then what should be done?
Dadashri: What else can you do about it? There is no guarantee that you will find another one who is better than him.
Questioner: Yes that is for sure.
Dadashri: If the second husband is worse and if he abuses you, then what will you do? It happens to many people. The first one was better; they were better off with him. Is it not necessary for people to understand this?
Questioner: If we leave it up to Dada, then will we get a better husband the second time?
Dadashri: He may turn out to be nice but after three years he may have a heart attack, then what will you do? This world is full of danger. It is better if you just tell yourself that things are meant to be the way they are. What happens is correct. Accept it. That is better for you.
The first husband is generally good. The second is generally unfaithful. He is looking for something like this. He is wandering around looking for someone and she too is a wanderer, and that is why they meet each other. It’s like two wandering cattle coming together. Instead the first one is better, he may have turned out to be useless, but at least you know what he is like. At least he will not strangle you in the night. You can be sure of that. While the other one may even strangle you.
One should compromise just for the sake of the children. Even when there are only one or two children, they will become without support, if you divorce.
Questioner: Yes they will be without support.
Dadashri: Where is the mother? Where is the father? If a person looses his leg in an accident, does he not put up with it for a lifetime or does he commit suicide? Likewise put up with a crippled marriage.
You do not find your husband undesirable now, but when you do, what will you do? Even if he is not of a sound mind, you married him, so he is your husband now. So you have to say ‘mine is the best of all’. There is no such thing as a bad husband in this world.
Questioner: If we say he is the best, it would go to his head.
Dadashri: No it would not. The poor man works outside all day long, where is the time for him to misbehave. Whatever the husband is like accept him. Is it right for you to go get another one? Can you buy one? And when you try to correct your situation by getting a divorce, it is not acceptable to the world. Thereafter even the other man will ask, ‘Is she a divorcee?’ So where else can you go? Instead just stick to one and settle up your accounts. How many husbands do we change as Indians? This one that you have, whatever he is like, he is the real one. So deal with it and settle your account. And as for men, whatever his wife is like, even if she fights and acts up, it is better to accept her. It is not as if she is eating you alive. She just keeps yelling and shouting at you; at least she is not physically abusing you. She is only a ‘radio’. But you are not able to understand all this exactly. You feel that it is she who is really perpetuating the clash. But later on even she regrets having said all the things. So is she saying it or is it the ‘radio’? (408)
In Bombay there was a lady whose marriage was falling apart. Her husband was secretly having an affair. When she found out, there were terrible rows at home. She came to me and told me what he was doing and asked me what she was to do. She wanted to break away. I told her that if she can find a husband who will be faithful to her completely then she may leave her husband. Otherwise where are you going to find a better one? As such he has kept only one mistress right? She said, “yes”. So I told her that was good under the circumstances. She should let go of the matter. She should keep an open mind. She would not find a better one. (409)
In this era, you cannot find a good husband or even a good wife. All these are trash and garbage goods. There are no good men to choose from. As far as you are concerned you have to settle past accounts. All these men and women are accounts of past karma that have to be settled. Instead people are complicating their accounts further by deep interest in marriage. You pitiful people! You have to settle everything here. Take the approach, which has the least amount of conflicts, and settle up your accounts. There is not much time left.
Questioner: Dada, whatever event comes about, is it because of past accounts?
Dadashri: Without account they would never meet.
As long as this world is in existence, there will be wounds. The wife may say that these wounds will not heal. But yet she falls back into the worldly interactions and the wounds heal. This is what I call stupor, ignorance or moha. Because of moha he forgets. It is due to the moha that these wounds heal. If these wounds did not heal, then one would get vairaagya (non-attachment to worldly things). What is the definition of moha? It is when many things have been experienced, but then they are forgotten. While getting a divorce, he decides that he will never marry again and yet he takes another desperate risk. (410)
Questioner: I was telling her that ninety-nine percent of married couples are incompatible with each other.
Dadashri: Incompatibility in a couple in this era may work in two ways. It either elevates them spiritually or it will take them all the way down to lower life forms. Compatibility amidst a couple stagnates them both spiritually. It may even hurt them spiritually. Spiritual progress in an incompatible couple occurs if one or the other party prevents discord with the knowledge discussed so far. (411)
Questioner: Under which circumstances is divorce justified?
Dadashri: These darn divorces are something that have just come about. Previously there was no such thing as a divorce.
Questioner: But nowadays they take place, so under which circumstances should one take a divorce?
Dadashri: If there is no possibility of harmony, then it is better to separate. If no adjustments are possible, then it is better to separate. Otherwise, I say one thing only ‘Adjust everywhere’. Don’t try to multiply things between the two by saying, “He’s like this and she’s like that.”
Questioner: These divorces that take place in the west, when two people do not get along, are they considered bad?
Dadashri: What is the meaning of a divorce anyway? Are these all cups and saucers? You cannot separate a cup and a saucer, you cannot divorce them, and so then how can you separate a man and a woman? It may be acceptable for the Americans, but you are Indian. Where once there used to be a vow of one wife-one husband, where the thinking used to be, except for one’s own wife, one did not even look at another woman. Where then do thoughts of divorce have any dignity in such a place? Do you like divorces?
In the animal kingdom, amongst the dogs, there are divorces and now the humans are doing this also. So what differences are left? Man is living like a beast. In our Hindustan, there would not be another marriage after the first one. If the wife died, one would not remarry. What spiritual purity of the men that were born then!
If a couple is on the verge of getting divorced, I will reunite them in one hour; if you bring them to me. I will mend them in one hour, so the two will be stuck together again. This is all merely due to fears from lack of understanding. So many couples that were separated have now been happily reunited. (413)
These are all our moral values. They go on quarrelling and yet live together for eighty years. And even during the funeral rites on the thirteenth day, the widow would prepare everything that her late husband liked. She would even order food all the way from Bombay for the ceremony. A young boy would ask the old widow, “Maji, (title used to address elderly ladies), six months ago he pushed you and at that time you were being verbally abusive towards him.” She would reply ‘Even then, I would not find another husband like him’. That is what the old widow would say. From the experience of the entire life, she will find out that at heart he was a nice man. His traits were awkward but at heart he was a good man. (414)
Our life should be lived in such a way that people would take note of us. We are Indians. We are not Americans. We are such that we abide by and endure the women and the women would abide by and endure the men. In this manner eighty years of life passes together. And those foreigners they do not tolerate even for an hour, neither he nor she would endure even for an hour. (415)
The fireworks of everyone’s prakriti are exploding. Where did these fireworks come from?
Questioner: They belong to each and everyone’s innate traits.
Dadashri: And one may think that ‘this is going to flare up now’, but instead it fizzles out. It fizzles out. Your mind starts screaming, “He’s said so many things to me. So much has happened.” So then you can say to your mind, “Go to sleep, why don’t you? It will be all right. Your wound will heal.” It heals right away. You have to pat your own back, so you will fall asleep. Did your wounds not heal? (416)
Questioner: When the quarreling takes place, is it not the karmic baggage brought forward from the previous life coming out?
Dadashri: When this fighting is taking place, new karmic baggage is added for the next life. But after taking this Gnan, only the old karmic baggage of past life comes out. New baggage is not filled.
Questioner: When my husband is quarreling with me, and I am doing pratikraman, then?
Dadashri: There is no problem.
Dadashri: Then all of it will come out. Wherever there is pratikraman, the baggage is coming out. Pratikraman is the only solution in this world. (417)
What will you do from now on if your husband gets angry?
Questioner: Settle disputes with equanimity.
Dadashri: Is that so? Now you will not leave him?
Dadashri: If he goes away, what will you do now? What if he says, ‘I cannot stay with you’?
Questioner: I would call him back. I would fall to his feet and ask for his forgiveness and call him back.
Dadashri Yes, call him back. Appease him, stroke his head, do whatever you have to, after that, things will settle down again. If a job can be done with just commonsense, then use commonsense. But the next day, if he says, “You were at my feet, begging me, were you not?” Then that is a different matter. You tell him ‘You were going away, you were acting like a mad person, that is why.’ He thinks that she has done this forever. She will be devoted to him forever. That was done on the spur of the moment (418)
THE ESSENCE OF THE SEVEN STEPS TAKEN IN THE WEDDING CEREMONY
There is no key for this day and age that shows you how to live your life. Forget about moksha, but you need to know how to live your life, don’t you? You just need to distinguish where each path leads, then decide which one you want to take. If you cannot decide, you must ask Dada and Dada will tell you if there are perils along a certain path. ‘These three paths have perils on them; and this one is without any danger, so travel this path with my blessings’.
Married people will think that they are now trapped. Unmarried people feel that married people are blessed. Between the two, who will find the solution? It is hard to stay single in this world. Then why get married and be miserable? One may say they are not miserable; they are merely accumulating the experience. Is the worldly life real or not? Is there happiness in it? The worldly interaction is to settle all accounts. Have you settled any accounts yet?
The relationship between a man and a woman is like an oil mill. In India there are small oil mils in the villages, where the bullock is made to go round and round turning a mill to crush and extract oil from castor seeds or other seeds. The bullock’s eyes are covered in the process of repetitive walking round and round the mill. Man represents the bullock and the woman represents the bullock-master that run the oil mills. They go round and round. Blinded the bullock thinks that he must have covered a great distance after a days worth of walking. But when the blinders are removed, the bullock sees that he is at the same place where he started. Then what does the bullock-master (the woman) do? She feeds him a piece of oil-cake and so the bullock is pleased and starts working again. Similarly here this woman feeds her man a piece of handavo (baked savory dish) and the man eats peacefully and the whole labor of life resumes early the next morning.
It has become difficult now to pass these days. When the husband comes home, he will complain about the pain in his chest; the children will come and tell him that they have failed their exams. When the husband has a pain in his chest, she wonders what will happen if he has a heart attack. She will be overcome with all kinds of negative thoughts. These thoughts would not leave her in peace. (420)
When would it have been worth marrying? When, out of hundreds of thousands only one got to marry. What is the big deal when everyone marries? There is a big college (Dadashri’s Science of worldly interaction) for women and men where they can learn how to conduct worldly dealings after marriage, but these people get married without getting any education in it. (421)
If someone insults you there is no problem in accepting the insult, but you have to keep that insult in your awareness and remind yourself, “Is this life meant for such insults?” There is no problem with insults, there is no need for that which elevates neither the ego nor that which defeats the ego, but is our life meant for insults? Shouldn’t that awareness be there? (426)
As long as the wife is sulking, he would say, ‘Oh God, please help me.’ And when she comes back to talk to him, he forgets everything. Then God and everything else is set aside. How intense is the puzzle? Is the suffering going to heal this way?
What is the world? Troubles. Even this body is a worldly trouble. Should there be any desire for such troubles? It is a wonder that there is any desire for this. A fishnet is different and this net is different. With a fishnet, you can at least cut your way through and escape, but you cannot escape from here. Even when you die you do not escape. (427)
The Gnani Purush shows you a way to escape this net of the world. He shows you the path to moksha (liberation) and puts you on that track so that you feel that you have been liberated from the problems of external forces forever.
How can you call this a life? How lovely the life should be! Each and every person should emit a fragrance. There would be praises sung all around of how wonderful a person is, how nicely he talks, how wonderful his conduct is. Do you see this kind of a reputation around you? Do you see people with such fragrance around you?
Questioner: It is rare to find a person that emits such a fragrance.
Questioner: Perhaps some people, but how much? If you ask the people in his home, they will say he stinks. He may have a fragrance outside but at home they will say, “Don’t even talk about him.” So this is not called fragrance.
Life should be spent helping others. Does this incense stick enjoy its own fragrance, when it is burning? (431)
This world is a museum, and what is the requirement of that museum? When you enter the museum, it says eat and drink whatever you want, enjoy what you want to, but do it inside. You are not to take anything outside. Do not fight. Do not make any attachments or abhorrence with anyone. People, however, enter and get married. You fool! Why did you get married? It is because you developed an attachment that you got married. On your way out, this will become a problem. Then he will complain, I am bound. It is still not a problem if you go inside and follow the rules. You can eat, drink and enjoy. If you happen to become married tell your wife this is a museum, you should not get attached or develop any ill feelings. As long as it is convenient, have fun but at the end we should leave without any attachments, positive or negative. There should be no negative feelings or abhorrence toward her, even if she goes out with another man tomorrow. This museum is like that. Whatever has happened has happened, now you cannot get rid of this museum. We are born in a country of high morals. So marriage and everything else must be as it was meant to be, orderly and just. (434)
DIFFERENCES IN THE INTRINSIC QUALITIES OF MEN AND WOMEN
Questioner: Can women attain knowledge of the Self? Can they achieve a state of Self-Realization and enlightened worldview?
Questioner: Really it is not possible, but my science makes it so they can become Self-Realized. This is because the prakriti (complex of thoughts, speech and acts) itself is such that it is not conducive for knowledge of the Self. Women have a greater amount of deceit and moha (that which makes you forget your real nature; that which makes you forget after you suffer) in their prakriti. This prevents them from attaining knowledge of the Self as easily as men.
Questioner: Then isn’t that injustice by vyavasthit (scientific circumstantial evidence)?
Questioner: No, she will become a man in her next life and then will attain moksha. This common knowledge that women cannot attain liberation is not entirely untrue. It is true when you take into account the nature of a woman. The elements of deceit and moha simply impede Self-Realization. It is untrue when one says that a woman is simply never ever going to be liberated. She becomes a man and then attains moksha. There is no law that women will remain women in the next life. When will she become like a man? It is when she remains in competition with a man in this life and her ego and anger continue to increase, and the deceit and moha in her decrease. Men’s prakriti (inherent nature) is of ego and anger, and women’s prakriti is of maya (attachment) and lobh (greed). This is how it has been going on in nature but our Akram Vignan says that women too, can achieve moksha because this science awakens the Soul and many women are such that they constantly remember Dada twenty-four hours a day.
Many women in India and in America have Dada on their mind, twenty-four hours a day.
Questioner: The Soul does not have any gender, right?
Questioner: The Soul does not have a gender. The prakriti has a gender. If you have a stock of bright goods, then bright goods will come out, and if you have a stock of dark goods, then dark goods will come out. Prakriti too, is a stock that is stored within. It is called pudgal (body). So whatever that was taken in (puran), continues to dissipate (galan). Eating food is puran, going to the bathroom is galan. Every breath is all pudgal (body) paramanu (atoms). (436)
If one wants to be a purush (man), it will happen when moha (attachment) and kapat (deceit) go away. When these two parmanus (atom complexes) of moha and kapat unite, a woman is formed, and when anger and pride unite, a man is formed. So all this occurs according to the science of parmanus. (439)
Once, a few ladies admitted to me that they have certain major faults. Of all these faults which fault was the most damaging? I told them their biggest fault is to make others behave according to their expectations. Every woman has a wish to make others do what she wants. She even manages to change her husband by means of deceit, and then makes him do what she wants. This is wrong. It is a wrong approach. I have made them write down and promise that they will not do this. What is the reason for making someone comply with one’s own expectations? It is very harmful.
Dadashri: No, one is able to do any good with this approach. Those women, who do things only according to their expectations, never do any good for their family. The family would only benefit if things happened according to everyone’s expectations. It only happens if no one is hurt in the process. Those who go around making everyone do things according to their own expectation are doing great damage to their family. And this is the main instrument that causes conflicts and quarrels. If things do not go according to her expectation, then she would sit around sulking and she would not eat. Who can she beat up? So she sits there pouting. Then the next day she will employ deceit. What kind of a woman is that? What happens if one does not succeed in trying to get things done according their expectation? You ladies should not insist on these things. You need to become broad minded and big hearted.
Questioner: Women soften their husbands through their tears and even if they are wrong they will insist that they are right. What do you have to say regarding this matter?
Dadashri: That is very true. She will have to pay for her wrongdoing. Furthermore, by such acts she loses her credibility and trust with her husband. (441)
I asked some ladies, “Whose husband is naïve raise your hand?” All the ladies who raised their hands, will tell me in confidence, ‘My husband is naïve, he is completely naïve.’ That statement itself shows that these women play with their husbands like toys. It looks bad to expose this matter in public. Would it not look bad? One cannot say everything openly. If I ask the ladies confidentially ‘Is your husband naïve?’ They say, “Very naïve, very naïve.’ Her deceit makes her see him as naïve. This deceit is bad. There are a lot of other good qualities in her. (442)
Questioner: On the one hand a woman is called Laxmi (Goddess of wealth and prosperity) and on the other hand she is called deceitful and filled with moha (attachment to worldly things).
Dadashri: She can be called Laxmi. Women are no ordinary beings. If her husband is called Narayan (The Lord), then what is she called? So that pair is called Laxminarayan! Then is she someone worthless? She is the mother of a Tirthankar. All those who have become Tirthankars, all twenty-four of them, who gave them birth?
Questioner: A woman.
Dadashri: So then, how can you call them worthless? Moha will always be there because she is a woman. But who gave birth to all the great Tirthankars? It is woman who gives birth to all the elevated people, so how can we disgrace them? And yet our people disgrace them. (443)
Questioner: It is always the women who are told to remain within the boundaries, not the men.
Dadashri: All this is misuse of human life. It is the misuse of the authority. Authority is used in two ways. One is the proper use and the other is abuse. If used properly, people will be happy, but if you still continue to misuse it, you will have miseries. When you misuse authority, you will lose that authority. If you want to maintain the authority, forever, if you want to remain a man forever, then do not abuse your authority. Otherwise you will become a woman in your next life. All you people of authority, abuse of authority will lead to loss of that authority. (446)
Whatever may happen, even if her husband is not there, if her husband has run away, she would not go to any other man. It does not matter what the other man is like, even if he has come as a God, still she would say no. ‘I have a husband, I am married!’ That is called a sati (a woman who is unconditionally devoted to her husband, so much so that she would voluntarily give up her life on her husband’s funeral pyre). Are there any qualities of a sati left in these women nowadays? It is not as if there have never been such women. The times are different. There are certain periods like that of Satyug (the time cycle of golden ages), when satis existed. That is why people revere satis, don’t they?
Dadashri: It is because they have the desire to become a sati. If one ever thinks or even mentions anything about a sati, one day they could become a sati and vishaya (sex) is sold at the price of bangles (cheap, i.e. it is ‘dime a dozen’). Do you know that? Do you understand what I am saying?
Questioner: Yes, it is sold at the price of bangles.
Dadashri: In which market is sex sold? In the colleges! At what price are they sold? Sex is sold at the price of gold. Some is sold at the price of diamonds. It is not like this everywhere. Some women will not accept even gold. No matter what you give them, they will not concede. But others do get bought, these women of today. It may not be at the price of gold, but they do get bought at other prices.
So it is due to this sex issue that he has become a woman. Man due to his lust for sex, has encouraged woman and corrupted her. Even if she has no meritorious qualities, she believes she is special when a man encourages and compliments her for his own desires. Why does she believe this? Because men have persistently been telling her. It is not something that she will come to believe on her own, but because the men are telling her over and over again, she thinks that if he says so, it must be true. If you were to tell her she is very nice, there is no other woman like her, even if she is ugly she will believe you. If you tell her that she is very beautiful, then she believes herself to be beautiful. Men have kept women as women. And all along in this game, the women in their mind believe that they are making fools out of men. In this way men get their lust satisfied after which they leave them. (449)
Questioner: So it is not written that a woman will remain a woman for many lives. She does not understand this fact and is not aware of the fact that there is a solution to this.
Dadashri: If this is solved, then a woman actually is a man. Alas these women do not know the root cause. Furthermore, they enjoy their role as women. They are interested in this. They get pleasure out of it so they remain there. And no one knows the way out, so no one can show you. It is only a Sati woman that knows. Besides her husband, she does not have any thoughts about any other men, even if her husband were to die immediately or leave her. She would believe that man to be the only husband. Deceit melts away in these women. (450)
When one starts to practice becoming a sati, then her deceitfulness will begin to disappear. Those main Satis are born as satis. So they are not tainted from the past life. Whereas you have stains from the past life and so the next time you are born a man. But having been born a man, not all men are equal. Many men are like women. They have a few characteristics of a woman e.g. deceit. If this deceit disappears either by becoming a sati or acquiring Self-Realization by meeting a Gnani Purush he attains liberation. By being a Sati everything gets cleared, and then he or she attains moksha. Do you understand a little bit? On the way to liberation every woman has to become either a Sati, or a man. Men are very naive; they will do whatever is asked of them. Women have taken advantage of all men. Of all the women, only a Sati would not do that. Satis consider their husbands as their lord.
Questioner: You see a very few people with this kind of life.
Dadashri: How can there be such lives in this Kaliyug(current time cycle of lack of unity in thoughts, speech and acts)? Even in Satyug(time cycle of truth and unity of thought, speech and acts) there are usually very few Satis. Now in Kaliyug how can there be any? (461)
So it is not the women’s fault, women are like goddesses. Soul is Soul, whether it be a man or a woman, the only difference is of the packing. Being a woman is an effect, a result of a previous life cause. That effect of the woman works on the Soul due to ignorance. With knowledge of the Self this effect of the woman does not work on the Soul. This is liberation. Woman is a shakti (power, energy). In this country many women have been great in government and politics. And imagine her potential in the field of religion. They have the power to liberate the world. The women are a store of energy for the salvation of the world. She has enough energy to achieve her own liberation and help others achieve the same. (463)
When does a married life become radiant? It is when they both have the fever (Dada is referring to sexual relationship) and only then they should take the medicine (have sex). Would anyone take medicine without having a fever? If sexual activity happens when one of them does not have a desire then that married life does not shine. You should take medicine only if you both have a fever. This is the only medicine. Just because the medicine is sweet, it does not mean you have to take it every day. For a marriage to be harmonious the man needs to control his passion for sex. All these animals have no control over passion. All great men and women of the past, like Ram, Sita, and others, had control over their passions. Lack of control is like that of an animal. This world does not know the danger of sex. In one sexual act, five hundred thousand lives are destroyed. And because they do not understand this, they continue to enjoy sex. They do not realize this. Only under extreme situation, beyond your control, sex should occur.
Every religion has created confusion that the man has to leave the woman. Where would I go if I did that? Who will cook for me? Should I be running this business of mine or should I be cooking at home?
Scriptures and religion has praised the married life. They have not condemned the married life. They have condemned infidelity and immorality. (459)
Questioner: Should sex only be for the purpose of having children, or can one enjoy sex using birth control?
Dadashri: No, no. That was during the times of sages and ascetics. In those days the relationship between the husband and the wife was not like this. The ascetic used to marry, but generally they avoided marriage. The prospective wife argued that on his own, he would not be able to live properly. So she asked the ascetic to have a partnership with her. By doing so, they would be able to maintain their religious practice and the devotional rituals and at the same time maintain their daily life needs of food, home etc. So some of the ascetics accepted this proposal, but they told the wives they would not have a family with them. The wives agreed as long as they got a gift of one son and one daughter. They agreed that there would be no further sex after that. Having accomplished this they lived together only as friends. Not as husband and wife. She would take care of all the activities of the home and he would take care of things outside the home. Later they would sit together to devote the time for spiritual practice. But now sex has become the main business. So everything has been spoilt. The ascetics were very controlled and wise.
Even now it is not wrong if the union is for one son or daughter. Then they should live like friends and there would not be any misery. But here the only kind of happiness they seek is that from sex. And they will start to make demands. The ascetics were a different kind of people.
Would you vow to remain absolutely sincere to your wife? He would say, ‘I do’. Then moksha is yours, but if you even start to have thoughts about other women, then your moksha is gone, because that is not yours by right. There is moksha with that which is yours and there is animal form for you if you take that which is not yours.
In addition, there should be a limit to sex. How far should there be a sexual relationship between a man and a woman? It should not be with someone else’s spouse. And if ever such thoughts even cross your mind, you should wash them off through pratikraman (apology coupled with remorse and a promise of not repeating the wrongful act). If there is such a thing as the most ominous danger, then it is that of taking pleasure with someone else’s wife or husband. There is no danger with your own wife. Now where am I making a mistake here? Am I scolding you in any way? Is there a crime here? This is my scientific discovery. For the sadhu there is a rule. They are not to look at even a wooden doll in the image of a woman, or sit where a woman had been sitting. But I have not placed such restrictions have I? (462)
In this era, I consider sincerity to one’s spouse in matters of sex as bhramacharya (practice of celibacy, freedom from sexual inclination through thoughts, speech and acts) and the reward for this is the same as the reward that one receives for practicing bhramcharya (no sex at all) in the days of The Tirthankars (The fully Enlighened Ones). This is my guarantee.
Questioner: This sincerity has to be with external acts or both external acts and the thoughts? The mind is something that will go wandering in sexual matters, is it not?
Dadashri: It should also be at the thought level and if the mind sways, then you should remain detached from the mind. And you should keep on doing pratikraman for that. What is the condition for liberation? It is the vow of one wife and one husband. A vow of true monogamy for both a man and a woman will liberate you.
If you are married then enjoy sex, which is rightfully yours; with your wife and not with someone else’s wife because the consequences of the latter are very grave. (462)
If you leave what is your own wife and have an affair with some other woman, then you will have to roam wherever that other woman roams, wherever she is born in her next life. If she goes to lower life forms, non-human form, then you will have to go there too. She will take you there with her. Nowadays, this is what happens everywhere. There is no telling of where your next birth will be. Those who have enjoyed sex with someone else’s wife will have to suffer tremendous physical and mental suffering. Even his daughter will have immoral characteristics in just one rebirth. The law of nature is such that, with whomsoever you had violated the rules of rightful sex, that very woman will become your mother or your daughter in your next life. The moment you violate the rules, you lose your right to be born as a human in the next life. It is a tremendous sin. When you enjoy someone else’s wife, then others will enjoy your daughter. Alas! Who is worried about this in these times?
There is always kashayas (anger, pride, attachment, greed) in forbidden sex and wherever there is kashaya, one has to go to hell (life filled with severe suffering). But people do not realize this and that is why they do not have any fear of any kind. They are not even afraid in the least bit. This current human life is the reward of your punyas good deeds of the past life. (464)
Sex arises out of attraction and this ultimately leads to repulsion. When the repulsion takes place, vengeance is created and vengeance is the foundation of the world. (465)
Money is a cause of vengeance. Ego is a cause of vengeance. Sex is a cause of vengeance. Of these three causes, sex is the most poisonous.
It is the sex and sexual desires that deludes you. This in turn creates a desire for wealth. Excess wealth exacerbates the ego. If sexual desire dissipates, all else vanishes. (466)
Questioner: So one should know how to destroy the seed, the root cause, but how can one do that?
Dadashri: It is through our pratikramans. Through aalochana (recalling mistake), pratikraman (repent for wrong doing) and pratyakahan (decision not to do it again).
Dadashri: There is no other solution. Through penance you bind good karma. By destroying the root cause, you get the result. What does the law of settling with equanimity state? One should make sure that under no circumstance should there be any binding of vengeance with the other person. Free yourself from vengeance.
Questioner: How does the binding of vengeance take place? How does the seed of vengeance of endless lives get planted?
Dadashri: You will not bind vengeance with a dead man or a dead woman. The reason for vengeance is because these are living beings.
Dadashri: It is because of difference of opinions. You may want to go to a movie whereas she may want to go to a play. The timing does not match. So marry only if the timings match. (467)
All the happiness that you have derived from this dependency on sex as a pleasure vehicle is all borrowed happiness; it is on loan to you. And because it is a loan, you will have to re-pay. (468)
You are not enjoying the happiness of the Soul but instead you have asked for happiness from the body. There is no problem if the happiness derived is from the Soul, but you have borrowed from the body and so you will have to pay it back. This is a loan. Whatever pleasure you derived from that loan, you will have to repay by an equivalent amount of suffering. Whatever has been borrowed from the body will have to be paid back to the body.
Some people tell me they are made to beg for sex by their wives. I tell them, “You fool! What do you expect when your dignity is gone? By doing this you have nothing left. Smarten up still and become a Yogi (ascetic).”
One woman would make her husband prostrate in front of her four times before she would let him touch her. You imbecile! Why not commit suicide instead? Why don’t you take a terminal dip in the ocean? At least the ocean is straight forward, and there won’t be any problems there. You prostrate four times for this?
Questioner: In the past life I had clashed with her. This life she has clashes with me. One has to find a way out of this? What is the solution?
Dadashri: There is a solution for this, but people are mentally weak. Stop the inclination towards sex. Then everything else will stop automatically. All this continues because of the inclination for sexual pleasure. (473)
Questioner: Now how can we do this? How can one stop this?
Questioner: It is because we are not able to conquer sex that we are here at your feet.
Dadashri: Sex for so many years. Sex in old age too? Wherever you look, it is sex, sex, and sex.
Questioner: Despite stopping sex, the clashes between us do not stop, that is why we are at your feet, Dada.
Dadashri: That can never be. I have seen that wherever sex has stopped, men are strong willed and their wives absolutely abide by what they say. (474)
There is no other solution other than stopping sex with your wife. The root cause of attachment and abhorrence is sex. The original cause is sex. This is the starting point of the world. So if one wants to stop this cycle of recurrent worldly interactions, then he has to stop sex. (475)
Those who do not want any clash, those who do not side with clash, for these people clash will occur, but will gradually decrease. Those who believe that clash has to be done, as long as they believe this, then the clashes will continue to increase. We should not support any clash. Those who have made a firm decision not to be involved in clash, very few clashes will come their way. And wherever there is clash, God does not stay there at all. (476)
You need to put a stop to this system of double beds, and sleep separate from each other in your own single beds. (479)
From the time my sexual interaction stopped with my wife, I have been addressing her as Hiraba. Since that time onwards we have not had any difficulties. And whatever difficulties there were before in regards to sex, were to be superficial minor arguments only. These minor arguments exist as long as the sting of sex is there. I am telling you my personal experience. We have this Gnan of ours. It is okay due to our Gnan. Otherwise if this Gnan were not there, this sting of sex would keep on biting you. At that time I had ego.
Just look at this science. All conflicts with the whole world will stop. All clash with the wife and children will also stop. This science is such that the conflicts stop and you become free. (482)
Marriage is a major bondage. It is like being locked up as cattle in a carriage. It is best not to be trapped in that situation. If you happen to get married it is in your benefit if you settle all accounts of the relationship with equanimity. If not, then in the end, get out after having tasted its fruits. In reality the Soul is not anyone’s husband or wife, man or son. It is only karma that are unfolding and accounts that are being settled. The Soul remains unchanged in all this. Soul is soul and Absolute Self is Absolute. It is your belief that she is your wife.
Who teaches these birds how to weave such beautiful nests? You will not have to put too much effort in how to run your daily worldly life. Yes there is some effort required in acquiring knowledge of the Self. But there is no need to do anything to run this world. It is only these humans that think that they are too smart. Do these animals not have any spouses? Do they have to be married? It is only these humans that have become wife and children. It is only the human beings that are so caught up with marriages.
Even these cows and buffaloes have marriages; they too have children, but is there such a thing as a husband there? They too become father-in-law and mother-in-law, but do they organize things like these intelligent people? Do they ever say that I am her father-in-law? Despite this their life is just like ours? They too breast feed their young, and lick their calves don’t they? (484)
You are a pure Soul and your worldly interactions should be superficial. You have to remain in the ‘home department’ (your real Self) and remain superficial in the ‘foreign department’ (your relative self). Superficial means no tendencies to get involved, engrossed in thoughts, speech and acts. Remain dramatic. This drama has to be acted out exactly. In this drama you have to laugh at the time of profit and cry at the time of loss. You have to make a display of the right emotions in this drama of life. You have to act out the part but do not become involved internally. We have to maintain casual acquaintances and connections only. Don’t people say, ‘My relation with this gentleman is casual?’ That is the kind of relation you have to keep with the whole world. The one who knows how to keep this kind of relationship, become a Gnani. Even with your body you have to keep a similar relationship. I have that kind of a relationship with everyone. But even then people still tell me, ‘You keep very good relationship with us.’ I go through all the worldly interactions while staying as the Self. (491)
Questioner: Is it possible that success of a husband is due to the good karma of the wife? Don’t people say that Laxmi (wealth) or anything good that happens to you is due to the meritorious karma of the wife? Can that happen?
Dadashri: It is just to calm an abusive husband. They tell him ‘Just look at the good fortune of your wife. Why are you abusing her? You are able to eat because of her good karma. That is how everything got started. Each living being eats due to its own karma. Did you understand? But you have to say these things, only then will things settle down. Each and everyone enjoy fruits of their own merit karma and the suffering is also due to their own bad karma. In reality no living being ever interferes with another living being. There is not an iota of interference.
Questioner: Suppose if one does a good deed, for example a man does some charitable work and his wife supports this. Do both of them reap the benefits?
Dadashri: Of course! The person who is the doer, and the one who encourages, and the person supporting the task that is happening, all these people who are involved, will get the benefits. If you tell someone, “Do this, this is worth doing. You become the encourager. Another person around you will support you. All will bind merit karma. The person doing it gets fifty percent and the remaining fifty percent gets distributed between the other two; the one who encourages and the one who supports it. (492)
Questioner: What should one do to be free from the relations created from past life?
Dadashri: You are living with a person because of your past life account. When you simply do not like living with this person to whom you are married, you have no choice. This is your account and you cannot escape it. What do you do then? You should keep relations with that person on the outside, but from within you should do pratikraman in their name, because this is all a result of your atikraman (actions of above normal activity, usually associated with either attachment or abhorrence) from your past life. What were the causes? The answer is that with that person you did atikraman. The result of which has come now in this life, so therefore do pratikraman, so the accounts will be settled. Therefore ask for forgiveness for all wrongdoing.
Do this with any God as your witness, then everything will finish, otherwise what will happen? By seeing that person as the wrong doer, for example if a woman keeps looking at a man and keeps seeing his faults, then her hatred and contempt for him will increase. Fear arises as a consequence of contempt. When you feel contempt for a person, you will also fear that person. The moment you see that person, you feel afraid. Recognize this as a consequence of inner contempt. So to be free from contempt ask forgiveness repeatedly from the pure Soul of the person you have contempt for. This contempt will stop in two days. The method of pratikraman is as follows, ‘All these are the results of my own errors. I am asking the Lord within you to forgive me for all the hurt I have caused you.’ Then everything will be washed away.
Questioner: If one wants to follow the path of religion, then we have to leave the home and the world. For the purpose of religion, this is good, but it hurts the people of the home. Is this not selfish to renounce the home life for one’s own benefit?
Dadashri: No, you will have to fulfill your responsibilities with the people in the home. After you fulfill that account, then they will be happy and tell you to go without any reservations. But do not do anything that would hurt them because you cannot breach that agreement. (494)
Questioner: I feel like leaving this material world, what should I do?
Dadashri: Do you admit that there was a day when you had desired this material world?
Questioner: At that time I did not have this Gnan, now I have this Gnan. It makes all the difference.
Dadashri: Yes, but now that you have entered it; you have to find a way out of it. You cannot just run away from it.
Questioner: Precious time is passing away.
Dadashri: Death is inevitable. You are going to die even as you insist that she is yours. She is not mine and if she goes early, then you have to sit alone. If she was really yours, then you both should depart together, should you not? And at times a rare woman becomes a Sati, and even then what path will she take and what path will he take? The future life forms are dependant upon each individual’s karmic account. Some will come back into the human form and some will go into the animal kingdom. Some will go to the celestial form. The Sati will say that if I die with you, I will be born with you. But that does not happen. This is all foolishness. There is no such thing as a husband and a wife. All these are arrangements made by society. (497)
Questioner: This man is asking if there are no rows or quarrels in a marriage, then will they be able to live together again in the next life?
Dadashri: In this very life there is no harmony together. In this very life there are divorces, so why are you even talking about the coming life? There is no such love at all. Those who will be together in the next life have harmony in their current life. There is a lot of love in their current life. They do not see any faults in others, at all. Even if mistakes are made, they do not see them as such; there is this kind of love here.
Questioner: If their present life is filled with such love, then will the same people come together in their next life?
Dadashri: Yes they can, certain lives are such that they will. If in their entire life there has been no quarreling, then they will come together again. (499)
IDEAL INTERACTIONS IN MARRIED LIFE
Dadashri: What is the method to improve life?
Questioner: To go on the right path.
Dadashri: For how long should you try to improve life, how many years, how many days, how many hours? How will it improve?
Questioner: I don’t know.
Dadashri: Aha! That is why it does not improve. And really only two days need to be improved. First improve your working day and second, improve your holiday. Only two days need to be improved from the morning to night. If you change these two around, all others will change. If you make changes and arrange them in a certain way, then the rest will follow in the same manner. You don’t have to make changes over a long period of time. Only these two days need to be organized. When these two days are organized, all the rest will automatically be included.
Questioner: How do you make these arrangements?
Dadashri: When you wake up in the morning, finish whatever prayers you want to do. You should make it a custom to wake up early in the morning. Aim to wake up by five in the morning. For half an hour you should devote your time to meditate on higher things. If you have a religion that you follow, then perform your devotional duties for the next half hour. This would then carry on everyday. Then get up and brush your teeth, etc. Have a systematic approach even with brushing. You have to get your own toothbrush, do everything yourself. You should not ask anyone for anything. If you are sick that is a different matter. After tea and breakfast, you may suggest to your wife that since there was not enough sugar in the tea, then perhaps tomorrow she can add a little more. Just make her aware of it, but don’t start quarreling. After breakfast, go to work and fulfill your duties there.
Leave your home without any quarrels and at work whatever conflicts you may have with your boss, settle them quickly on the way home. Leave your work problems at work. Enter your home with a quiet mind. Do not have any disputes in the home. If you fight with your boss, what fault is it of your poor wife? Do you have disagreements with your boss or not?
Questioner: I do.
Dadashri: Then what fault is it of your wife? When you come home after fighting with your boss, then she’ll know that you are not in a good mood. Does that happen?
Dadashri: So if you organize one working day in this manner, and one holiday, there are only two different kinds of days. There is not a third kind of a day is there? So organize these two days, and then things will move along.
Questioner: Now what should be done on holidays?
Dadashri: On your day off, you should decide to take your family for an outing. Since they do not go out much. Have a nice meal at home, make good food and then take them out. Limit your expense when you go out. If sometimes you have to spend extra money, then you can budget it out but limit your expense. Decide all this with the approval of your wife. Let your wife make the decisions.
Questioner: She’ll say eat vedhami (flat bread stuffed with a sweet filling) at home and not to go out and eat pizza.
Dadashri: Eat vedhmi joyfully. Eat everything. Eat dhokra, eat jalebi, and eat whatever you like.
Questioner: But we should not eat pizza at a hotel outside?
Dadashri: Eat pizza? How can we eat pizza? We uphold the practice of purity in food. Despite this if you are really fond of it, eat it several times, but gradually stop it. Do it very slowly and gradually. If you put a stop to it suddenly, that is wrong. You should eat along with everyone and then gradually stop it.
Questioner: What should you do if your wife does not enjoy cooking?
Dadashri: Change your preferences to other dishes. There are many other varieties of dishes. Change your preferences. If you don’t like a certain flavor, then have her change the spices. That way you will like it. What is there to eat in pizza?
So if you organize your life in this manner, your life will run smoothly. In the morning if you devote half an hour to your prayers and devotional singing, then things will fall into place. You have received Gnan already, so now you have become wise. But others, who do not have Gnan, will need to do some devotional rituals and singing. You are now on the right path.
This Akram Vignan does not interfere with your worldly interactive life. All other forms of spiritual knowledge have relative contempt for worldly life. This Science does not offend worldly life interactions in the least bit. It remains within the confines of its ‘reality’ and does not offend anything at all. (503)
The ultimate ‘light’ is where not even a single being is hurt in the slightest degree. Even your opponent will be pacified. If you have any opponents, they will say ‘We both have differences of opinion, but at the same time I have a lot of respect towards him’. They will speak in this manner; there is opposition for sure. In the same token, there is opposition everywhere. There will always be opposition. There is opposition to the Gnani as well as the fully enlightened Tirthankara. In the same manner, there is opposition everywhere. Not everyone can see the same viewpoint. Not everyone can come to the same level of thinking.
At home your interactions should be filled with harmony. In your home your wife will feel that she will not be able to find another husband like this anywhere, and the husband will feel that he will never get a wife like her. When this happens your life together has been worth living.
Questioner: There is no parallel to your talks of spirituality, but also your talks of daily life interactions are second to none and extraordinary.
Dadashri: It is like this: Without understanding worldly interaction as it is, no one has been able to attain liberation. No matter how priceless the knowledge of the Self is, without understanding worldly interactions, no one has attained liberation. This is because the world has to let you go. If it does not let you go, what will you do? You are indeed a pure Soul. The world has to let go of you. You are complicating your interactions with the world. Why not solve all these interactions as quickly as possible? (515)
kevaa purusho kevaa virala keva anubhavii…swaupayogi…swa pariinami…ati durlabh ahii
When the husband-wife see each other’s faults, then the following pratikraman method has been taught by Pujya Questioner:
Pratyaskh Dada Bhagwan-ni sakshi-ye Deh-dhari (name of the person hurt by you) na mun vachan, kaaya-na yog, bhaavkarma, dravyakarma, nokarma-thhi bhiinna eva hae shuddhatma bhagwan, aaj din sudhi je je** dosho thaya chhe, teni kshama maangoo chhu, aalochana, pratikraman, pratyakhyaan karu chhu. Mune kshama karo, kshama karo, kshama karo. Ne faree eva dosh kyareya pun nahi karoo, evo dradha nischay karoo chhu.
Hae Dada Bhagwan ! Mane evo koi pun dosh na karvaani param shakti aapo, shakti aapo, shakti aapo.
Jai Sat Chit Anand
Above words are translated below…
With Dada Bhagwan as my witness, I offer my salutations to the Pure Soul who is totally separate from the mind, speech, and
body of * ________
I recall my mistakes (aalochana) **
I apologize for these mistakes (prati kraman)
I affirm not to repeat these mistakes again (pratyakhyan)
Dearest Dada Bhagwan! Grant me the strength to act in accordance with this firm resolution.
Name of the person hurt by you
** Recall the mistakes you committed with this person
Aaalochana (to recall the mistakes)
Pratikraman (to apologize the mistakes committed)
Pratyakhyan (to affirm not to repeat these mistakes again)
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