GENERATION GAP

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PARENTS & CHILDREN

Gnani Purush Dadashri has helped thousands of parents and their children in attaining harmony at home.

This book is an abridged version of satsnag with him all over the world.

CONTENTS

PART ONE

The ideal role of parents towards children

1. Nurturing Values Systems

2. It is mandatory, so why complain?

3. Do not fight in the presence of children.

4. Uncertified fathers and mothers!

5. Children improve with meaningful explanations.

6. Win them with Love.

7. Wrong habits are overcome thus.

8. A new generation with healthy minds.

9. Parental complaints.

10. Suffering due to doubt.

11. How much inheritance for your children?

12. Suffering life after life because of attachment.

13. Consider yourself blessed for not having children.

14. Relations, are they relative or Real?

15. Relations are merely give and take.

PART TWO

The ideal role of children towards parents

16. Dadashri's satsang with teenagers.

17. Selection of a wife.

18.Selection of a husband.

19. Happiness in life through service.

Important note:

The pages referred to in brackets are references to the detailed

satsang in the main full version of the book.

GENERATION GAP

THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN

(1) NURTURING VALUE SYSTEMS

Questioner: Here, living in America we have money but we are lacking in moral value systems. What should we do, when we have to live in such an atmosphere?

Dadashri: Parents should develop ethical value systems that result in a loving family environment. The love from the parents should be such so that their children would want to be with them. If you want to improve your child, you are responsible. You are duty bound to your child. (P.2)

Parents should instill the highest moral values in their children. Many parents in the US have complained to me about their children eating meat and indulging in other unacceptable activities. I asked them, "Do you do that too?" And they admitted that they did too. I told them that children would always imitate their parents and their moral values. Even if you were not, they may still do it unknown to you. Our duty should be to instill good value systems and we must not fail in this. (P.3)

We have to be careful and make sure that they do not eat non-vegetarian food. If we are eating non-vegetarian food, then after receiving this Gnan we should stop.(Gnan is the process by which Pujya Dadashri imparts the separation of the non-self from the Self). Children will follow our conduct. (P.4)

Questioner: When these children grow up, how are we to impart our religious value system to them?

Dadashri: When we ourselves become religious. Children will learn whatever they see in us. Therefore, we must become religious. They learn from watching us. If we smoke, they will. If we drink alcohol or eat meat, they will too. Whatever we do, they will imitate. They want to emulate and even go beyond the deeds of their parents. (P.5)

Questioner: If we place them in a good school, will they not receive good moral values?

Dadashri: Children will only receive good values from their parents. They may receive some from their teacher; their friends, peers and people around them, but the major part will come from parents. Only when parents are moral their children become moral. (P.7)

Questioner: If we send our children away to India for schooling, are we not forgoing our responsibilities?

Dadashri: No, you are not forgoing them. You can provide all the financial support needed. There are some excellent schools in India where even people of India send their children. These schools provide good quality lodging and boarding. (P.10)

Questioner: Dada, please bless us so that our family life goes smoothly and peacefully.

Dadashri: You have a peaceful family life, and children will also become good and moral by observing you. Childrens’ misbehavior has come about because they watch their parents. The behavior and thinking of parents is improper. Husband and wife behave inappropriately in the presence of their children. Thus the children become spoilt. What kind of moral upbringing do these children receive? There should be some kind of boundary. Just observe the effect of fire on children. Even a small child respects the boundary of fire. The minds of the parents have become fractured and restless. Their speech has become careless and unkind, that is why the children are spoiled. The wife speech hurts the husband and the husband speech hurts the wife. What is the role of good parents? They should mold their child in such a way that by the age of fifteen, all the good moral values are instilled in them.

Questioner: Nowadays the moral standard is declining. That is where the problem lies.

Dadashri: No, not declining, it is practically gone. Now that you have met The Gnani Purush, fundamental morality and decency of good human behavior will return in your life. Every young adult has the potential power to help the entire world. He just needs the right guidance and support. Without such guidance these youths have turned into selfish beings with a very self-centered view of life. For their own worldly comfort and happiness they will prey on others. He who renounces his own happiness can make others happy.

A wealthy businessman is running around all day, thinking about how to make more money. So I have to tell him “You are running after money. Your family is in ruin. Your sons and daughters are roaming around and your wife heads in another direction. You have not gained anything.” He asks me what he should do. I told him not to make the pursuit of money his only goal. Look after your health or else you will have heart failure. You need to pay attention to all these aspects, health, wealth and your children's upbringing. At present, you are only focused on one aspect. For example, what would happen if you kept dusting and cleaning only one corner of the house, leaving the rest of it dirty? How would it appear? The entire house has to be cleaned. How can you live your life this way? You must conduct yourself in a proper manner and enrich them with good moral values. Make sacrifices if you must but give them good moral values. (P.17)

Questioner: We make every effort to improve them, but even then if they do not improve, do we as parents leave it to fate or destiny?

Dadashri : You are making these efforts in your own way. Do you have a certificate that shows that your efforts are correct? Show it to me.

Questioner: We make efforts based on our understanding and intellect.

.

Dadashri: I will give you an example of what your intellect is like. What sort of justice prevails where a person himself is the judge, the lawyer and the defendant? Your intellect will always take your own side , even if you are wrong.

Do not leave them to fate ever. Take care of them. If you leave them, they will be hurt in their future growth. Children bring with them their personalities from birth but you have to help and nurture them so that they flourish.

Questioner: Yes we do all that but in the end, should we just leave them to their fate?

Dadashri: No, you cannot leave them like that. Bring them to me and I will bless and help them. You cannot let go of them. It is too dangerous. (P.19)

A father was delighted when his child was tugging at his moustache. "Look! How cute! He is pulling my moustache!” he laughs. For goodness' sake if you let him keep doing that, what is going to happen? You don't need to do anything more than pinch him a little so that he understands that what he is doing is not proper, and he begins to know that this conduct of his is wrong. Don't punish him; just a little pinch is enough. (P.20)

A father catches his child taking money out of his coat pocket by standing on his toes to reach it. The father is amazed at this and in his excitement he calls his wife to come and see the child's clever little act. The child feels very smart and begins to think he has learnt something great. In essence, he has become a thief. So what happens next? It becomes instilled in the child's knowledge that to sneak money out of someone's pocket is an acceptable act. Why do you not say anything? Should he do this? (P.21)

You fool, are you not ashamed of yourself being the father that you are? Do you understand the kind of encouragement you have given him? Your child is under the impression that he has done something remarkable. How does it feel to convey such a message to a child? Don't you feel like a failure? You should know what words to use in order to encourage a child to do something positive and what words to use to discourage a child from doing a negative act. You are all uncertified fathers and uncertified mothers. The father is a radish and the mother is a carrot. So how can the child be an apple? (P.22)

Parents, of present times do not know any of these things. They go on encouraging wrong behavior most of the time, without providing a good role model. They go around carrying their children. The wife will order her husband to pick up their toddler so he cannot refuse. If he is bold enough to refuse, she will come back with, "Are you telling me 'junior' is just my kid? We both have to look after him” She keeps nagging so the poor guy has no choice, where can he turn? They are forever carrying 'junior' all over town, the cinema, the mall etc. This excessive attention suffocates the growing child. How can the child grow up normally? (P.23)

Once a bank manager told me, "Dadaji, I have never said a single word to my wife or to my children, no matter what they say or do wrong, I do not say anything." He looked so self-assured, thinking that perhaps I was going to praise him for his nobility. But instead I was very irritated with him and said, "Who on earth made you the manager of a bank, you don't even know how to take care of your wife and children. You are the ultimate fool on this planet. You are useless." He was shocked. He thought that Dada would praise him if he said such a thing. Should he deserve a medal for this? When the child does something wrong, we have to scold him dramatically. Otherwise he would think that whatever he does is correct because the father has condoned it. By not saying anything you have ruined them all. You can scold them, but do everything in a dramatic (to play the role exactly, without attachment or abhorrence) manner.

You should talk to your children every night. Converse with them and explain things to them in an amicable manner. You need to pay attention to all aspects of their development. They already have a good personality but they need to be encouraged. You have to keep them on their toes. (P.24)

Teach your little ones that each morning, after their bath they should pray to God and briefly ask in prayer to grant this world peace and salvation. If you can do this, it would mean that you have succeeded in instilling good value systems in them. Pray with them, so they will learn from you. This is your duty as a parent. You should also have them sing "Dada Bhagwan Na Aseem Jai Jai kar Ho.”( Praise to the Lord within)every day. Many children have benefited from this and their concentration in studies has improved. From a very young age they learn the great fact that their Lord is within them. So many children have changed for the better that they no longer feel the need to seek other diversion like going out to the movies. At first they kick up a fuss, but after a couple of days, after getting a taste of this they respond positively and moreover they remember how good it feels. (P.24)

(2) IT IS MANDATORY SO WHY COMPLAIN?

Marjiyat (to do something according to your own independent will) deserves to be awarded. A person sought reward for his farajiyat (obligatory duties). The whole world seeks to be rewarded for deeds: "I did so much for my kids but they don't care about me!" O fool! Why are you looking for praise? Whatever you have done has been farjiyat (duty-bound).

One such gentleman was upset with his son because he had incurred a large debt from paying for his education. He kept reminding his son, "If I hadn't done this for you, you would be no where!" So I rebuked him, "Why do you keep harping about it?" You cannot talk like that when it is all farajiyat. Your son is wise, but you are lacking in common sense and understanding. (P.30)

You should do your very best for your children. When they tell you that you have done more than enough for them, you should quit. If you do not, what would happen? When the children show a red flag, should you not understand what it signifies?

A day will come when your son may want to start a business. You should help him to do that. It would be unwise to get yourself deeply involved in his affairs. He may even get a job somewhere and not need your help. In that case whatever money you had planned to give him, you should lay aside. Should he run into any difficulty, you may send a couple of thousand to bail him out. But, if you keep interfering with his life, it may aggravate him and force him to say, “I am telling you to stay out of this dad.” The father in turn says, “My son is only saying it because he does not know any better. He has a long way to go.” I tell the father, "Consider yourself blessed that you have become free from this responsibility."

Questioner: What is the right thing to do? Should we still take care of our children or should we come to satsang for our own spiritual growth?

Dadashri: The children are already being taken care of, so what more can you do? Your goal now, should be oriented towards your own salvation. These children are already cared for. Are you the one raising them? Have you seen how the rose bushes which you had planted, have blossomed in your garden? They grow on their own. You think the roses are all yours, but the rose is its own entity. It belongs to no one. People act according to their own selfish motives and insecurities. Right now you are taking credit for everything you do and that is your ego.

Questioner: If we do not water the rose bush it will wither away.

Dadashri: You cannot avoid watering (taking care of) it. If you don't take care, the child will claim your attention by acting out. (P.39)

How is it possible to keep a balance between your duties towards worldly life and your spiritual progress? Even if your son speaks to you rudely, you should still fulfill your duties. What should your obligation as a parent be? It should be to nurture and bring up your child well, directing him on the right path. When he is disrespectful towards you and you yourself behave in a similar manner towards him, he will be spoilt. So you must sit and talk to him in a loving manner. There should be a spiritual understanding behind all your acts. If you do not allow spirituality to enter, a vacuum is created and something negative will enter. The vacuum will not remain for long. If a house is left vacant in these times, will squatters not trespass and occupy it? (P.39)

What is the true duty of a wife at home? All the people in the neighborhood should be impressed by the way she fulfils her duties. The true religion of a wife is to raise her children with good moral values. And if her husband is lacking in these values, she should help him with it too. To make things better for one's family is called religion. Should you not do that? (P.41)

Some parents get so involved in bhakti (ritualistic devotion) that it irritates them when their children disturb them while they are engrossed in it. They become irritated with their children in whom the 'Real' God resides while they continue worshipping God's idol. How can you ever become angry at your children? There is a living God present within them. (P.41)

(3) DO NOT FIGHT IN THE PRESENCE OF CHILDREN

If you are a vegetarian, do not drink alcohol, and treat your wife with respect, your children will notice what a good father they have. You may hear your child say, "My friend's parents are always fighting, but my parents never do." Just through simple observation they learn this. (P47)

Everyday the husband fights with his wife in front of their children. While they observe this, they begin to think, "My dad is the problem." Your son may be small, but he has a keen sense of justice. Girls on the other hand, will tend to side with their mother because their sense of justice is not as good. Boys however, will place judgment on their father on account of their ability to judge better. As the son grows older, by listening to others, his conviction grows, and he resolves to get back at his father when he grows up. His later act towards his father is to avenge the abuse of his mother. (P.48)

Do not fight in front of them. Have some standard of conduct. If the wife makes a mistake, the husband should tell her it is all right and vice-versa. When the children witness this they will be all right. If you want to fight, you should put it aside for a while, at least until the kids are away at school. Perhaps then you can resume your fight for an hour or so. Once children witness the parents fighting, they begin to develop a negative attitude towards one or the other parent. The child loses his positive attitude and starts instead, to develop a negative one. So it is indeed the parents who are responsible for ruining their children these days.

If you have to fight, you should do so in your own privacy, but not in their presence. In your privacy, behind close doors, you can even have a fistfight if you want.(P.49)

The father sits down to eat a sumptuous meal prepared by his wife. He finds the soup too salty and makes a big fuss over it. -Why don't you just settle down and eat your food? - He thinks that just because he happens to be the head of household no one can stop him if he kicks up a terrible fuss. The children are terrified with his outburst, thinking, "Papa has gone mad!" They cannot utter a single word so they remain suppressed, but in their minds they form an opinion about how crazy their father is. (P.51)

All the children are fed up of witnessing what goes on between their parents. When I ask them why they have decided not to get married they tell me about how their parents fight everyday like cats and dogs. In observing this, they have come to the conclusion that happiness does not exist in marriage, so why bother getting married at all? (P.53)

(4) UNCERTIFIED FATHERS AND MOTHERS

A father complains to me that all his children have become defiant. So I tell him that his worthlessness is showing through. "If you were worth something, why would they go against you? You are spoiling your own reputation."(P.57)

If you keep nagging your children, they will become spoilt. If you want them to be good, entrust them to me. I will talk with them; mold them so that they will become good.

The disobedience of children reflects on the parents. Parents are unqualified. So I have labeled them, "Unqualified fathers and unqualified mothers”. It is no wonder the children turn out the way they do. That is why I say that first become certified as a parent and then get married. (P.59)

The father does not know the first thing about how to live life. Nor does he have a clue about how the world runs, so he keeps beating his child. Some fathers keep thrashing them as though they were dirty clothes. Help them to improve, but to beat them is dead wrong. I have seen people physically abuse their children as though they were whipping up dough for bread. (P.62)

Real parents are ones who, even if their child engages in dreadful deeds, manage to change his behavior with love and understanding. But this love is missing and so they are loveless parents. This world can only be won over with love. (P.63)

Questioner: Should we not be concerned at all about our children's upbringing and value system?

Dadashri: There is nothing wrong with showing concern.

Questioner: They can get their education from school, but what about molding their character?

Dadashri: Entrust the development of character to the goldsmith, the Gnani, the One who is adept in the art of shaping character. Until he reaches the age of fifteen years, you can mold him the way you want to. After that leave the task for his wife. She will do the job. Even though people are not skilled in the art of molding their children, they still try doing that, do they not? That is why they are failing miserably and the results are far from agreeable. The sculpture is not working out right. Instead of making the nose only two inches long they end up sculpting it four inches too long. When he gets a wife she will end up cutting off the extra two inches. They will both try to chop off one another's noses. (P.64)

Questioner: What is the definition of a certified mother or father?

Dadashri: Uncertified parents are those, whose children do not obey them or have love for them. Can we not label them uncertified?

It is a sure sign that the parents have not fulfilled their duty to their children when their children become disobedient. Such is the soil, such is the seed and such, therefore is the yield. The parents are uncertified. They boast, "My kid will grow up with very good moral values". How on earth can that happen? If the father of the child is incompetent, we can overlook that. We cannot do so in the case of the mother (P.70)

Does this appeal to you?

Questioner: It is appealing and that is why it is effective.

Dadashri: Some people claim that their children simply do not pay attention to what they say. I tell them that the reason that they do not listen is because their speech does not appeal to them. If they liked it, it would definitely be effective. You people do not know how to be fathers. Look at the state you are in.

You should speak in such a way as to make the children interested in what you have to say. Then only the children will listen to you. You find what I say appealing. Therefore you will act on it.

Questioner: Your words have such a strong impact on our life. What could not be solved by our intellect is solved by your words.

Dadashri: Words that touch the heart. Such words convey motherly love. Words that touch the heart are motherly. A certified father is one who can touch his children's hearts with his words.

Questioner: These children will not easily listen and accept our words.

Dadashri: Would they listen to any harsh and forceful language of authority? Such a tone in words does not help.

Questioner: They do listen but only after we do a lot of explaining.

Dadashri: That is all right. It is quite normal. The reason why you have to explain to them a lot is because you yourself do not understand. A person with understanding has only to explain once. After you explain to them so much, do they understand?

Questioner: Yes.

Dadashri: That is the best way. You want to make him understand in anyway you can. Whereas, whenever you use force or authority in making him understand, you are acting as if you are the only father in this world. You think that you are the only father in the world. Those who treat their children with understanding, I call them certified parents. (P.73)

What sort of conduct is required from a father? What is expected of a certified father? A father is never bullies a child, nor is very strict with him.

Questioner: What if the children keep tormenting him? Even then should he be lenient with them?

Dadashri: Children become troublesome because of the father. They would only bother him if he were uncertified. The law of the world is that unless a father is unfit, the children would not bother him. (P.74)

Questioner: What if the son does not listen to his father?

Dadashri: He should realize that the fault lies within him only, and leave it at that. It is his deficiency that they do not listen. If you know how to be a good father, your child will heed you. But you really have no idea about how to be one.

Questioner: Once one becomes a dad, will the little ones ever leave him alone?

Dadashri: How can that be? It's impossible! Just look at how those puppies scrutinize their parents for the rest of their lives. They keep watching the male dog roam around barking while it is the female that goes around biting. A dog never ceases to bark.

The father is always the one who is blamed. The children will always tend to side with their mother. So I warned one man that unless he behaved himself and treated his wife well, his children when they are grown up would take him to task. Children observe their father when they are young. Until they become old enough, they are helpless. Once they grow up they are likely to get back at him. This has been the experience of many parents. From childhood they decide that as soon as they grow up, they will repay their dad no matter what it entails. (P.74)

Questioner: Does that mean the fault is entirely the father’s?

Dadashri: Yes, the father's alone. When a father is not worthy of fatherhood, his own wife opposes him. He will learn his lesson the hard way. For how long are you going to let society threaten you? For how long is she going to be suppressed by the society?

Questioner: Is it always the father who is wrong?

Dadashri: The father is always in the wrong. Because he does not know how to be a father, everything is wrecked. To be a father requires so much purity from him that even his own wife will respect him and revere him. Only when he attains this stage can he become a certified father.

Questioner: If a father does not assert his fatherly authority, is that a mistake on his part?

Dadashri: Only then are things solved.

Questioner: What guarantee is there that the children will obey their father?

Dadashri: Of course there is. Your good character will have its effect and impact on the children and the world.

Questioner: What can a father do if his children are of the worst possible kind?

Dadashri: There again, the root of the problem is the father. Why does he suffer? He suffers because of the bad conduct he displayed in his previous lives. If in past lives he had not lost control and abused his children, he would not be suffering this way now. How did you bind your previous karma? It was because you did not have any control over them. So here, I am emphasizing control. In order to practice control you must understand all its laws.

Your child is your mirror. It reflects your faults. (P.75)

If we possess a moral and ethical character, then even tigers would not harm us. So imagine what an impact it would have on our children. Our morality is displaced and so we suffer. Do you understand the value of morality?

Questioner: Would you please explain in detail what morality is, so that everyone can understand?

Dadashri: Morality is the bhaav (deep inner intent) never to hurt anybody even to the slightest extent. Not even the bhaav to hurt your enemy. Shilvaan is one who is sincere, moral and does not harbor any intention to hurt any living being to the slightest extent. Even a ferocious tiger will be pacified in his presence.

Questioner: Where are today's parents to get these qualities from?

Dadashri: They should still possess some. At least they should strive to have twenty-five percent of these qualities. Owing to effects of our present era people have become indulgent in worldly pleasures. (P.76)

Questioner: What sort of character should a father possess?

Dadashri: When children can say, “ Dad, we prefer to be with you more than anywhere outside.” This is how a father’s character should be.

Questioner: Nowadays it is quite the opposite. When the father is at home his child is out and vice-versa.

Dadashri: Children would not like their father to be away. That is how it should be.

Questioner: So, what should a father do to become like that?

Dadashri: Once people meet me, whether they are children, old people or even teenagers, they do not want to stay away from me.

Questioner: We all want to be just like you.